


with a tremor in my heart

by Miralana



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Background Yungi, Choi Jongho is trying his best, Coming Out, First Kiss, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Seemingly Unrequitted Pining, background sansang, background seongjoong - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27371893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miralana/pseuds/Miralana
Summary: Sometimes Wooyoung will tease him, will aim for a cheek kiss, and Jongho- Jongho’s whole body had tingled the two times he’d let Wooyoung press lips to his skin before he’d furiously talked himself down for ruining a moment that was only intended to be friendly.So thetwosecrets Jongho carries around with him are quite simple:a) he is gayb) he wants nothing more than to touch another guy without feeling guilt and shamec) he wants that guy to be Wooyoung so bad.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 29
Kudos: 157





	with a tremor in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone, so this is a big heavy one! i started this months ago when i was so sad about the lack of jongho fics and thought this would be like 5k. lol, we're long past that. please give gay little jongho some love
> 
> thanks at [em](https://twitter.com/queenemothy) for taking on this monster and betaing it! and thanks to my sister for giving me some league of legends knowledge. if you like the game, check out [her channel](https://www.twitch.tv/dragondangode) on twitch!
> 
> now for some content warnings!
> 
>   * homophobia in a flashback, f slur being dropped in a flashback, generally not a very good athmosphere for queer people bc korea
>   * internalized homophobia
>   * vague mention of some queer people committing suicide (no one specific, just that some queer people do it). at some point wooyoung makes a joke about killing himself if he ever got outed to his parents
>   * mentions of the flooding in south korea in 2020
>   * after the beginning this is set during the pandemic, so there will be references to social distancing, clubs and bars only being open with registration, wearing masks, etc, but no mentions of death or any of the characters getting sick
>   * little bit of a different attitude to how parents and friends accept a coming out, that would be considered homophobic by western standards, but acceptable by korean ones. i’m basing this on stories by koreans i’ve seen floating around twitter and different articles, calling out the way we westerners judge reactions. so while you might think the boy's parents don’t react well, if the text says this is them reacting well, that’s why. however i am not making an all encompassing statement for all koreans, as everyone lives different lifes! i'm simply taking some things i've seen and researched and i'm trying to build a semi-realistic narrative
>   * discussions about sexualising your friends and having sexual fantasies about them
>   * there’s some hints to dieting whenever food is mentioning around Wooyoung. Nothing bad, just Wooyong not finishing his food. There’s a very vague allusion to a past eating disorder he struggled with when they get food together after the gym. 
>   * the boys refer to hongjoong (who is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns) as hyung/noona interchangably
>   * there’s a mention of san’s family considering yeosang “their _child’s_ boyfriend”. i kept it vague in text bc san is not out and presents more tomboy-ish to his parents so that they don’t disown him. they do not consider him their son. the “child” is put in cursive to show that this is not how jongho sees san but to show the parent’s reaction. i deliberately didn’t want to use the word they do consider him, to not misgender him
>   * San’s genitals get mentioned once and are referred to as dick
> 

>   * general warnings for coming out, first kiss, etc.
>   * vague description of a teenager being in love and developing a sexual attraction in a flashback
>   * seonghwa is gay and dating nonbinary hongjoong and yeosang considered himself straight before he started dating transman san, but now goes by bi, and yes he could technically be considered pan, but he doesn’t care and none of this matters because sexuality is a spectrum and the only people who try to exclude people from being queer and putting us in narrow boxes we can’t break out of are influenced by terf rhetoric, thank you for coming to my ted talk
> 


Jeong Yunho is unabashedly and unashamedly gay.

It’s not the first thing Jongho notices about him, of course. He’s tall, with a kind smile that makes everyone in their respective friend group melt, and a honeyed voice that leaves Mingi flushed and gooey eyed whenever Yunho directs it at him.

It’s not even that he _dresses_ gay or that he _looks_ gay, but there’s a feeling about him, an air of something that Jongho has never quite been able to name, but that has brought him here to these people he has surrounded himself with ever since he started university.

He doesn’t mean to stare, he really doesn’t.

They’ve met up for a PC Bang, as they often do on a Friday night, and Mingi had introduced them to Yunho surprisingly quietly and calmly, considering he and Wooyoung are usually trying to break a screaming record within the first five minutes.

But now his eyes flick over to Yunho every other moment and there’s a softness in them that makes Jongho uncomfortable.

Mingi has a hand on Yunho’s thigh; Yunho has his hand around Mingi’s waist. They’re discreet about it, as you have to be so that the employees of the PC Bang don’t get the wrong (right) idea, but they cling to each other, mouths so close, whispering into each other’s ears, caressing one another’s bodies in small ways.

It’s so much more than how everyone else acts; so much more than the quiet presence of Seonghwa and Hongjoong, the deep energy radiating off of San and Yeosang every time they sit next to each other. It’s not even similar to the way Wooyoung and Mingi sometimes cling to each other, all physical touch and loving noise.

It’s too much for Jongho, who aches with every living moment to feel anything other but fear and disgust at his own existence.

He looks away, uncomfortable, and hopes no one noticed him staring.

* * *

“So you’re the token het?” Yunho asks, after they’ve eaten and played a couple of rounds of League of Legends. Jongho has tried to keep himself to his corner, pressed in between the wall and Wooyoung – his favourite place to be – but Yunho has been making the rounds, getting to know all of them little by little. It’s not something any of Mingi’s previous partners have done, and Jongho isn’t sure if that means Yunho is intending to stay and become friends with them as well, but- it scares him a bit. He pretended like Yunho doesn’t exist for the past hour, even when he had been talking to Wooyoung for quite some time – Wooyoung had immediately slapped his thigh and pressed himself against him. Jongho had tried and failed not to be jealous.

“The token het?” Jongho asks, because it allows him not to answer the question. He knows what the token het is, as well as he knows that it’s not him.

Yunho hums. “Like in old American TV shows, where there are a bunch of straight friends, and then there’s the _Gay_ one, which doesn’t seem true to life at all in my experience. Just that you’re the straight one in between the queers.”

Jongho snorts. He tries his best to seem aloof, to not let it get the best of him.

He shrugs and gives a smile. Yunho is very close, he’s switched places with Wooyoung, and he’s so warm. He probably gives great hugs that are meant in an incredibly friendly and comforting way, because unlike Jongho he isn’t twisted and sick.

“Isn’t that weird?”

Jongho shakes his head. “Why would it be, Yunho-ssi?”

Yunho shrugs. Looks at him intently as if he’s trying to figure him out. “Just- people usually think it is, I guess.”

“Nooo,” Wooyoung inserts himself into the conversation from behind Yunho, propping his arms up on his shoulders. “Jongho doesn’t, Jongho loves the queers.”

Jongho dares himself to smile. “I see a homophobe and I floor them.”

Wooyoung immediately starts cackling, and Jongho feels warm inside knowing he made that happen. He falls forward over Yunho’s shoulder, and Jongho has the sudden thought, _God I wish that was me,_ before Yunho starts laughing too, falling forward as well and putting his hand on Jongho’s thigh to hold himself up.

For a beautiful, traitorous moment Jongho enjoys it. Yunho’s hand is warm and big, and he imagines what it would feel like to have someone else’s palm on his thigh, someone who smiles at him whenever he sees him, but then Jongho realises what he’s doing and he flinches and tries to pull his leg in.

Yunho looks at him, eyebrows raised.

“Please don’t-” Jongho starts, and looks at Yunho’s hand. He feels so embarrassed.

Thank god for Wooyoung. “He hates physical touch; you have to force him into it if you really want it.”

“Oh.”

He feels his own cheeks burn, hopes that what he’s truly feeling isn’t too obvious, but Yunho pulls his hand away with something that feels like a knowing smile that seems incredibly fake and turns back to Wooyoung.

They talk for a couple of minutes before Yunho goes back to Mingi, and Jongho dares himself to watch them again, happy and comfortable around each other, touching each other constantly, unequivocally _queer_ and so deserving of the love and experience they share.

Jongho looks at Wooyoung picking at the remnants of his dinner before he takes pity on him and offers to finish it without the others noticing. Shame and want fight inside of him as he turns away, putting as much distance between himself and anyone else as he can, and forces down any yearning for something similar that may come up inside of him.

Jeong Yunho is unabashedly and unashamedly _gay_.

And Jongho thinks once again, _God I wish that was me._

* * *

Jongho realises he’s gay at the age of thirteen.

It’s not a grand realisation, mostly indifference morphing into appreciation for his own gender in a way that didn’t exist a month ago.

Jongho isn’t particularly charismatic or social when he is thirteen - nor when he’s twenty. His grades are passable despite spending hours in cram school and self-study after school. He shines in P.E. and once got a good grade in biology when they covered nutrition because his mother works as a cook and was able to help him study. His parents aren’t that well off, both of them working physically demanding jobs, but they’re trying to give him a good education. He doesn’t have many friends, but not because he is painfully shy or people bully him or because he’s universally disliked. He is just quiet and a bit awkward. But he’s always the first person to be picked for any team when they play in P.E.

That’s how he meets Changhoon in their first year of middle school. When Jongho was made to choose his own team during the third P.E. class and there were a couple of the undesirable kids left - those who had been slow and clumsy last week, those with glasses and a bit of baby fat clinging to them - Jongho choose Changhoon and made it his mission to make him be an active and helpful part of the team. He never quite got to it. Instead they just became best friends.

A year later, when Changhoon spends his free time helping Jongho study instead of playing video games like his parents allow him to, because Changhoon is smart and he’ll easily make it to a good high school and not tank his university entrance exams like Jongho’s parents have been worried about ever since Jongho turned out to be mediocre at schoolwork, they are inseparable.

Where Changhoon goes Jongho reluctantly follows, because he doesn’t like to go out much if it’s not to play soccer or run around. But there’s something about him, big glasses on his nose, full cheeks starting to get covered in the same spots that Jongho himself fights with daily, and his sunny smile that draws Jongho’s attention.

Sometimes Changhoon will explain something to him and Jongho’s eyes will flick away from the textbook and up to Changhoon’s face, his spit slick lips that he keeps biting all the time, and his eyes, narrow as he reads the text that Jongho doesn’t understand.

At some point he looks over and his lips move and Jongho is pulled out of whatever daze he was caught in. Immediately, his eyes move down to the textbook again and he doesn’t look at Changhoon again for the remainder of their hangout.

* * *

He might have thought that the whole situation had been a fluke, that he just got caught in a daydream, but from there on out it just gets worse and worse. He finds himself blushing, his heart beating up in his chest whenever Changhoon leans too close, whenever he does something that takes his breath away or makes his whole body feel all tingly. Jongho is at an age now - as they’d all learnt in biology during a few very uncomfortable weeks - where he gets boners, and sometimes he will wake up with his forehead slick with sweat, out of breath, his pyjamas uncomfortably tented and the thought of Changhoon’s eyes boring into him.

Of course, Jongho knows what homosexuality is. There are a couple of American movies that he’s caught on TV, and his parents had a discussion with him when he saw the news about Kim Jho Kwang-soo getting _‘married’_ to his partner. He knows that kids get called _gay_ when they’ve done something bad in the eyes of their peers, and he also knows that the last thing he wants to be is that bad thing everyone keeps calling each other.

But as much as he begs every night to think all of these thoughts about the girls in his class, Changhoon is the only one on his mind.

* * *

“My hyung said there’s a gay kid at his school,” Jungjin says when they’re all getting dressed after P.E. The teacher wasn’t feeling well, and there isn’t a lot of focus on the class anyway so they’ve been let out a bit earlier. Of course they’re all supposed to revise for the next class but instead they’re stalling in the locker rooms because it’s more fun.

There’s a couple of retching noises and Jongho looks over. Jungjin is surrounded by a couple of the cool guys in their class and all of them are making various faces of disgust.

It’s okay, Jongho reminds himself. He won’t be gay forever, so he doesn’t have to feel bad.

“The teachers refused to pull him out of the locker-room,” Jungjin continues. “So all the other guys had to change in the bathroom where he couldn’t look at them.”

Jongho, who had been looking at Jungjin’s face immediately looks away, down, then towards Changhoon. He has his pants on already, but his chest is bare and Jongho doesn’t really know what he’s feeling, apart from that it makes him blush.

“What’s so bad about looking at them?” Sihyun asks. He’s a popular guy as well, but he’s always been quite nice. “I mean I wouldn’t want to be in a class with a homo, but it’s not like he can do anything, right?”

Jungjin splutters a bit. “It’s like- well- you know- um-” He doesn’t seem to know what is wrong about it and Jongho feels a little bit of relief.

It’s not bad.

He’s not doing anything bad.

“You don’t know what goes on in his mind, though,” Changhoon interjects and everyone turns around to the two of them. Jongho’s eyes immediately drop to the floor. “Imagine you were in a room with a naked girl, fantasising about her at home then. You want a fag to fantasize about you at home?”

 _Fag_.

Jongho knows that word.

He’s never heard Changhoon use it.

“What do I care about what he thinks?” Sihyun asks.

“Maybe you want him to think about you?” Jungjin jests, and Sihyun immediately elbows him in the ribs.

“Shut the hell up. I just don’t give a shit about what some homo thinks.”

“What if it’s one of your friends?” Changhoon says, and Jongho just wants him to stop talking desperately. “Happened to my noona. One of her friends was a lesbian and they hugged and slept next to each other, and her friend was thinking about her the whole time.”

Jongho swallows. His hands are frozen around his belt.

“And now imagine if you had a gay classmate and you hug and the whole time he thinks about like-” Changhoon stammers. “Like your dick. Or- your ass-”

“Ew.” That’s Sihyun. “Okay, yeah I get that. I just don’t think that it’s bad to be attractive to a homo.”

“To each their own,” Changhoon says, and Jungjin quips again.

“Man, I think I’d beat someone like that up, I don’t want to have a fag looking at my ass.”

And Jongho stops breathing when Changhoon answers. “I’m with you there; it would be scary and disgusting. Right, Jongho?”

Of course now they’re looking at him, so Jongho swallows and he tries to breathe again, even as his heart breaks and his hands shake.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “It’s disgusting.”

* * *

Jongho never turns straight again, but he gets better at hiding it. He doesn’t look at any of the boys anymore and he keeps the touching with Changhoon to a minimum. There was never any intention on his part to tell him, but he doesn’t want to risk anything.

When they both go off to different high schools they lose contact, but Jongho manages to get his grades to a level that might make studying for the entrance exams not absolutely horrible. He doesn’t want to go to university though, intends to become an athlete. He joins a soccer club and trains every single day until he breaks his leg in multiple places and all of his aspirations disappear in a pile of screws and metal inside his leg.

So back to focusing on school it is. He makes few friends, because he’s not sociable and he refuses to engage in skinship with any of the other boys. The girls don’t look at him anyway because there are cooler guys there, which suits him just fine.

He never really goes on any dates, never kisses a girl, even if the guys around him talk about it constantly. He’s focused on school is what he tells his father when he asks about any kind of “opposite gender distractions” and that makes his family happy.

He just has to keep going.

He never thinks about giving up, even though he sometimes reads about how many guys like him do it in the end, because no one knows and he can just pretend to be straight.

But he’s not going to be disgusting and use a friendship with another guy as something to get off to - he has porn sites for that - even if it means being alone.

When he does score an acceptable result for the entrance exams and announces to his parents that he wants to go for a degree in sport and leisure studies they’re not happy, had wished for something better for him, but they’re happy enough. They have a son who’s so focused on his education that he won’t even go on a date, which is something they can brag about to all of their friends.

And when he stumbles into an unmarked room during student orientation, unwilling to make any new friends and just wanting to escape, and finds it to be a secret LGBTQ meeting that wasn’t approved by the university, Jongho doesn’t correct anyone (everyone) who assumes he’s straight.

He’s played straight for twenty years. He knows he’s disgusting for the thoughts filling his head.

He doesn’t need all of these good and kind queer guys - he learns that word in that first meeting - to think they belong in the same box as he does.

So Jongho will play the token het as long as it takes. Even if it is for the rest of his life.

He doesn’t expect Wooyoung though.

But then, he feels like no one ever expects Wooyoung.

* * *

Wooyoung is like a hurricane that comes into his life through the original group comprising of Hongjoong and their boyfriend Seonghwa, Mingi, and San - who still stumbles a bit over his name when introducing himself. Wooyoung shows up to the second meeting - this one is inside a PC Bang because they can’t have anyone getting suspicious. He drags his best (supposedly-straight but questioning his sexuality) friend Yeosang with him, who turns out to know Seonghwa and immediately clashes with San - Jongho will later learn the term hate fucking through them before they get a grip on their relationship and Yeosang settles on being bisexual.

Jongho who doesn’t even know why he was invited to the second meeting until Hongjoong tells him that by having Jongho here no one can say it’s a gay meeting - which does hurt a bit in a way because it makes him feel like they don’t want to have him specifically there, just someone who’s straight - finds himself drawn to Wooyoung’s loud energy. He’s a touchy person and he immediately clicks with Mingi, and Jongho loves watching all of them interact.

He learns a lot in that first year, learns about rights and laws and protests, learns that there are a couple of smaller groups at the university, because it doesn’t allow an actual LGBTQ alliance. A couple of times they meet up with another group that is full of girls and people who Jongho learns are nonbinary just like Hongjoong is, just so that there is no suspicion.

It’s dangerous and scary, and even though no one knows what Jongho is he still feels welcome, he still feels understood. He makes it clear he doesn’t like to be touched - although he makes an exception for some of the girls because he doesn’t have any disgusting thoughts when they touch him - and everyone respects that. Sometimes Wooyoung will tease him, will aim for a cheek kiss, and Jongho- Jongho’s whole body had tingled the two times he’d let Wooyoung press lips to his skin before he’d furiously talked himself down for ruining a moment that was only intended to be friendly.

So the ~~two~~ secrets Jongho carries around with him are quite simple:

  1. a) he is gay
  2. b) he wants nothing more than to touch another guy without feeling guilt and shame
  3. ~~c) he wants that guy to be Wooyoung so bad.~~



* * *

Yunho quickly becomes a fixed part of their lives. Mingi brings him everywhere, which is to be expected, but he hits it off with Hongjoong immediately, and sometimes when Mingi isn’t there Yunho will still join them.

Jongho doesn’t mind much. Wooyoung has a tendency to gravitate towards him because Yunho gives great hugs and he’s touchy in a way that he usually only gets from San and Mingi, so he gets it.

He’s happy for his friends.

It doesn’t change the fact that he is jealous.

It’s a couple of days after their last online finals - enough time has passed that they’ve all been able to catch up on sleep - and they’ve met outside to enjoy the weather. Or more like sweat outside, which is only marginally better than sweating inside. While Jongho has air conditioning in the room of his goshiwon the only people who have enough space - or are allowed to have a lot of guests over - are Hongjoong and Seonghwa in their studio apartment. But Jongho gets that they don’t like staying inside their apartment when it’s so hot. If he had to pay utilities and constantly had to be worried about being put on a higher tier because of air conditioning he wouldn’t want to either.

So they’re hanging out at the steps of the Cheonggyecheon stream, which is - for once - devoid of tourists and entertainment. The lack of tourists is probably the only good thing about this summer - so many things being closed, numbers rising again, and the fucking flooding considered. Jongho is staying quiet as usual, much happier with watching Wooyoung and San make asses of themselves trying to get Yeosang to smile - he does so every time they look away from him - while Seonghwa, Hongjoong, Yunho and Mingi are lying in a pile on the steps. Seonghwa is looking at his phone, while the other three are talking. It all looks very casual and not homoerotic, just the normal kind of stuff that straight guys do all the time, so they’re not worried about the other visitors. Not that there are many people outside. It’s after lunch, and before working people get off work, so they’re mostly alone, which is the only reason Seonghwa hasn’t said anything about the noise yet.

He watches Wooyoung flitter from San and Yeosang to the pile, sit down at Yunho’s side and screech into his ear. Yunho turns onto his back and Wooyoung comes to sit on his stomach, tickling him, his strong thighs around Yunho’s waist, bracketing him. It’s all innocent and playful and they’re just being idiots but-

Jongho looks away as heat rises up to his cheeks.

It’s nothing bad.

It’s just normal.

He shouldn’t have to feel so weird. It’s not that it’s wrong; it’s not even that he demands that Wooyoung keep all his attention to Jongho - he has no right to demand that - it’s just- it’s so _easy_ for them, because they’re not sick, and it makes him so angry sometimes.

He wants to be like that too, he wants to be carefree and happy and like them, but- he couldn’t. He could never have Wooyoung sit on him like that without a reaction. He could never look at Mingi’s exposed chest without heat stirring in his gut, or get tackled by San and Yeosang without dreaming about it for weeks.

That’s the difference right there.

So he looks away, ashamed of the thoughts running through his head, and gets out his phone. He doesn’t want to leave yet, but if he leaves soon he could get a nice session at the gym in before it gets too busy.

It’s not like they need him to hang out.

When he announces his departure Wooyoung doesn’t even look up from where he’s still straddling Yunho, squabbling with him.

Jongho pretends that it doesn’t hurt as he says goodbye to everyone.

* * *

The thing with being considered the token straight guy in a group full of queer people is that they’ll sometimes exclude him.

Not because they’re mean, but because there are specific secret meetings they go to that they think don’t concern him. Just like Hongjoong and San go to meetings that are for trans people, the others will go to meetings where they talk in a safe space without any allocishet people around. It makes sense, and Jongho knows that it’s his own cowardice, as well as the university not allowing an official LGBTQ Club, so every couple of months there’s a meeting that is specifically only for queer people, in case any non-queers decide to snitch on the participants.

Jongho never asks who goes there, and he never would - not that they would tell him - but he knows that about half of those going aren’t even out to their own friends, and they need it. Especially in times like this.

So he doesn’t feel bad.

Or maybe that’s not completely right. He is a bit angry at himself, but not at his friends. None of it is their fault. It’s - as always - just him.

He just checks in sporadically, to know where to meet them afterwards, and finds himself leaning against the wall of a bar in Itaewon. It’s the middle of the week and still quite early, so there’s not a lot going on. With the registration in place a lot of people don’t want to have their data traced back to any of the myriad nightclubs and bars here, even if the government promised that this data would only be pulled in an emergency. Like a couple of weeks ago, when there had been a breakout at one of the gay clubs here.

When the door opens and the first people walk out Jongho pulls up his mask higher and looks to the ground. He doesn’t want to make any of them uncomfortable by making them aware of his presence, even if he gets a couple of hello’s thrown his way here and there.

“Jongho-yah, how is it going?”

He looks up when he gets addressed and smiles at Wooseok, who he met during his introduction in the first semester. He’s one of the older ones, someone who has his own little gay group, which is something Jongho found out when they met up for one of the more open meetings.

“Great, thank you, sunbaenim.”

Wooseok smiles at him, or Jongho assumes he does. His eyes scrunch a bit. “We gotta catch up soon, yeah?” Someone pulls on his arm and he waves them off. “Yes, yes, I’m coming.”

“Of course, I won’t keep you.”

He waves goodbye to Wooseok, nods at Hwanwoong and Dongju as they pass him by with someone huddled between them who hides their face. Jongho looks away respectfully. He hears Wooyoung laugh, before he sees him, clinging to a friend of his from high school, despite everyone scolding them that hugging should not be allowed right now. As always they don’t care.

Jongho looks away, because while he doesn’t consider Yunho someone to be jealous about in relation to Wooyoung, the same cannot be said for Yeonjun.

“Choi Jongho!” someone calls for him, and Jongho looks past Wooyoung and Yeonjun. Jiwon jumps down the steps, black mask pulled high up her nose and he pushes himself away from the wall.

“Noona,” he answers, and bows a little. He knows Jiwon through her girlfriend Sihyeon, who was Jongho’s tutor in one of his biology classes last semester. He met her while she was picking Sihyeon up and for some reason she seems to have adopted him, even though Jongho has no idea what he did to make her feel that way. “How are you?”

“Great,” she says and smiles. “But there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” She leads him away a bit from the group coming out of the bar and Jongho frowns.

“Are you dating right now, Jongho-yah?”

He feels his face heat up. He’s- no. Of course he’s not dating. He went on a couple of dates in high school, when the few friends he had set him up with friends of their girlfriends, but he had never really been interested (for obvious reasons). So he’s never been in a relationship, never even really kissed someone. It’s probably better that way. The less people he ruins the better.

Shaking his head, he looks down at his feet.

“That’s great actually!” she exclaims, and smiles under her mask. “So I have a friend who always thought she was gay, only dated girls since she was like fourteen. But recently she thinks she might be interested in guys as well-”

Jongho frowns. “Okay?”

“So she wants to give dating a guy a try and we’re looking for a safe option, someone who’s not gonna be weird about her maybe being bisexual or pansexual, and who’s not - you know - a typical cishet guy.”

Jongho really doesn’t know what’s going on. She seems to take his confusion as something else, because she immediately raises her hands. “I don’t mean you’re not straight, just that you’re very chill and a good guy.”

“Uh, thanks.”

“So we thought - or well, Wooyoung thought - you might be a good candidate to go on a date with her. Maybe even more?” She winks at him.

Jongho blinks. She- Wooyoung- What?

“I- uh-”

“Oh, of course. So her name is Heo Yoorim, she’s also a 00er, you probably know her from some of your courses?” The name does sound familiar, yes. “She works out just like you do, and you can both do that crazy party trick where you break fruit apart with your bare hands. It sounds like you already have so many things in common.”

“Um.”

“So, how about it?”

Jongho looks away from her. Behind them, in the setting sun, he can see his friends waiting. Some of them are talking, but Wooyoung, Hongjoong and Yunho are staring right at him. Wooyoung looks so excited for him to get this chance to go on a date. That- Oh well, that doesn’t hurt at all.

Jiwon’s friends are standing close, and there’s a girl with them that Jongho thinks might be Yoorim. She looks confused and afraid and Jongho feels her on that.

“I mean- I- Um- I’m not really looking for a relationship,” he tries to wiggle his way out and Jiwon rolls her eyes.

“Yes, yes, you can go back to your secret whore ways afterwards, it’s really just one date. A favour to your favourite noona.”

She is. When Hongjoong feels more like getting called hyung than noona she is his favourite, because she’s always been kind but- But does he really want to go on a date with a girl? Again?

Inside of him some traitorous part comes to life, reminding him that maybe, maybe this time it might fix him. Maybe this time he’ll turn straight and not be disgusting anymore.

“I mean. I’m not sure if it’ll work, but okay?”

She claps her hand. Turns back to her friends and gives them a thumbs-up which is most likely one of the most humiliating experiences in his entire life.

Or not. When she gives him Yoorim’s kakaoID and makes him text her so she has his so they can set up a date and then leaves him after giving him a long hug, Wooyoung and Mingi immediately come up to him, grilling him on what she said and what they’ll do and getting excited for him to have a date with a pretty girl.

With his heart beating high in his chest, Wooyoung’s arm around him and the knowledge that the guy he likes set him up on a date with someone else, he considers that he has never felt as humiliated as he does in that moment.

When he looks over their shoulders towards his friends he finds Yunho and Hongjoong staring at him with an expression he can’t quite name.

* * *

**Wooyoung-hyung**

what are you wearing to your date?

you should dress to impress

the girl she dated before was super into fashion

or maybe dress in something basic

lower her standards for dating men

just jeans and a tshirt

it’s hot outside

and it shall be hot in her heart

hyung

SORRY I’M JUST SO EXCITED FOR YOU

I’M ROOTING FOR YOU

* * *

So yeah, it’s going great.

It’s not Yoorim’s fault. She’s nice and tall and she tries to keep the conversation flowing as they sit outside with some ice-cream and snacks after watching a movie. He hasn’t seen a movie in months, but the theatre was open under safety precautions and he has never really been on a date before, so he doesn’t really know what one does on a date.

He paid for the cinema though and she’s just paid for their food and he thinks that’s how it goes.

“The actors did a really good job, didn’t they?” she asks and Jongho nods. The acting had been really good.

“I don’t really know what happened though.”

Jongho nods. Yeah, he agrees. He tried to read a plot summary before watching the movie because he heard it is very complicated, but he didn’t understand the summary either.

“Wait no, I know what happened, but I don’t know why it happened? It was so complicated. Did you read reviews for it?”

He nods again and she starts talking about the different reviews she had read, about how not even the actors understood all this nonsense about time travel and inverted self’s and whatever else had been happening.

After a while, he notices that she stopped talking, a bit of embarrassment colouring her cheeks red. “Sorry, Yoorim-ssi, did you ask something?”

She shakes her head. “No I just- I’m talking so much, Jongho-ssi, and you’re not at all, I don’t want you to think I’m self-absorbed.”

“Oh, I-” He made her feel bad. That hadn’t been his intention. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like that, please talk, I’m not-” Good at talking, interested in talking, interested in this date.

He should never have agreed to this. He’s on a date with a girl and the only thing he could think about during the movie was how great the main character looked. And now he’s wondering what Wooyoung is doing. If he’s waiting for Jongho to give him news, if he really wants him to date someone so bad.

He’ll always be gay, he knows that. Always be disgusting and sick.

“Into me?” she finishes his sentence and there’s a smile on her face. She doesn’t seem very offended by it.

“You’re great!” he quickly tries to defend himself. “I’m just- I have- I’m sorry, my head just isn’t in it.”

“That’s alright.”

It’s not. It’s really not. He wasted both of their time like this.

“We still had a nice evening, didn’t we?”

Jongho has been so stuck in his head he’s not sure if he can say that either, but if he didn’t waste her time, then that’s at least something. “Yeah. Sorry. The movie you chose was good, I just didn’t understand it.”

She smiles. “Should we google and try to piece the plot together?”

Jongho pulls his lips up into a grin. “Please.”

* * *

When he comes home he falls onto his bed and puts his phone on silent. Lies there. Stares at the ceiling while the other members of the goshiwon are outside and fighting over the use of the kitchen, and tries to get his breathing under control.

Yoorim had hugged him goodbye and Jongho had wrapped his arms around her waist. It was a strange feeling. It didn’t make him feel bad like it does when any of his friends (any other guys) touch him, and it feels nice to touch someone but- it’s also not the same. It doesn’t feel as good. Maybe that’s the reason why it also doesn’t make him feel as bad.

He’s not getting off on hugging Yoorim after all.

* * *

“You haven’t replied to me in three days,” Wooyoung whines when Jongho sits down on the floor in Hongjoong’s and Seonghwa’s studio apartment. Jongho had been surprised when Hongjoong had invited them here, but then it has cooled down a bit. The apartment is tiny, the bathroom right next to the door, the open kitchen behind it, opening up into a living room that holds two study desks, a couch and carpet filled with his friends and a TV. There are stairs going up on the right side of the kitchen, leading to the open bedroom that you can barely stand up straight in. It’s a modern, but cheap apartment and all they can afford right now, but Jongho likes the little touches that are both so Hongjoong and Seonghwa.

The mood is carefree and nice, which just reminds Jongho of how much they all have to hide when they’re out in the open. Mingi and Yunho are holding hands, Yeosang has his head in San’s lap, and Seonghwa is clinging to Hongjoong, which is not something Jongho has seen often. But then, the eyes of the eldest are red rimmed and there’s a nervous flicker on his face as he stares down at his phone every couple of seconds.

Jongho forgets all of that as Wooyoung stabs an accusing finger into his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me how your date went?”

Jongho shrinks under the questions that immediately pelt down on him from all corners of the tiny flat Hongjoong and Seonghwa rent out.

“With Jiwon-noona’s friend?”

“How did it go?”

“Do you have a girlfriend now?”

Jongho tries to look everywhere but at any of his friends and his eyes get caught on Yunho who’s still on the tiny couch while Mingi jumps up and down excitedly. Yunho’s eyes seem to bore into him, looking right into his deepest being, and Jongho feels ashamed and splayed open despite not a single word falling between one of them.

“It went fine,” he mumbles. “But there won’t be a second date.”

Exclaims of pity all around him. Jongho grinds his teeth.

“There was just no chemistry, so- I’m glad we both saw it like that.”

Wooyoung is hugging Jongho’s leg, his head cushioned on Jongho’s calf and Jongho tries his best to breathe calmly as Wooyoung’s touch seems to burn hot through his sweatpants.

“You’ll find someone, Jongho-yah,” Yeosang says and gives him a smile, and Jongho nods.

“I’m not really looking for a relationship, so it’s fine.”

“But you deserve a relationship, Jjongie,” Wooyoung whines, and he tries his best not to remember that it was Wooyoung who set them up, who wants him to be in a relationship, who- well- in the end doesn’t reciprocate the feelings Jongho has for him.

Not that he ever planned on telling him, but-

It’s hard.

“I-” he breaks off when Seonghwa’s phone starts ringing.

They all turn around as Seonghwa just stares at it with wide eyes.

“Seonghwa-ya,” Hongjoong says, and grasps their boyfriend’s hand. “It’s okay, answer it.” When everyone else stares at the two of them, they clarify. “He came out to his mother earlier. She wanted to talk to his father.”

Immediately, everyone goes silent.

They don’t have to mention the last time one of their friends had come out to their parents. Yeosang still spends Chuseok with San’s family, who like to ignore he’s their _child’s_ boyfriend, which is still better than a family that doesn’t speak to you at all.

“Yes,” Seonghwa answers the phone. And then. “Appa. Hello.”

No one breathes. Jongho doesn’t even care that Wooyoung’s fingers are digging into his legs.

“Hm. Yes. No, eomma was right. Yes.” Seonghwa’s lower lip wobbles. “No, no, I don’t expect you to-”

“Shit,” Mingi mumbles quietly, and Hongjoong’s hands clench.

“Yes.” Seonghwa falls forward, elbows on his knees and Hongjoong is there immediately. “Yes, appa, no, I’m still your son, that hasn’t changed, I’m still-” A sob escapes him. “I’m just me, no one else.”

His breath is rattling as he listens to his father and Jongho doesn’t think he can breathe. He knows that this is what it’s like. Coming out to your friends and family, begging them to love you, even though they don’t accept you. He knows this, just as he knows that his parents wouldn’t. He doesn’t resent them for it. They’ve done so much for him already and he doesn’t want to put them through all of this.

“I love you too, appa, I love eomma too, none of that has changed, yes-”

He’s silent for a long time. “Yes, thank you. Thank you, appa, have a good day as well.”

The phone falls to the ground.

“Jagiya,” Hongjoong says quietly, and Seonghwa presses his hands against his face. Takes a few breaths, before he pulls Hongjoong into his arms and gives them all a crooked smile. “He- uh. He doesn’t understand it and he can’t really accept it, but I’m still his son and he loves me.”

A weight falls off Jongho’s shoulders.

“But, of course I’m not supposed to tell my grandparents or my brother or the neighbours, that’s most important.”

“What would the neighbours think?” Yunho says in a deep, creepy voice and everyone laughs. Jongho gives Seonghwa a big smile and he’s happy for him. That reaction is so much better than what they could have hoped for. It doesn’t give him hope for himself, because he’s quite aware of what his parents would think, and he has no intention of ever coming out to them, but- it makes him happy for his friends. They deserve to get everything they want in life.

“They’ll come around,” he hears Wooyoung whisper to Yeosang and Yeosang waves him away.

“Who needs them when I have all of you?”

“Aww,” Wooyoung shrieks. “Did you all hear that? Yeosangie doesn’t need his family, because he has all of us!”

Jongho sees very closely what’s happening next. Wooyoung reaches for Yeosang who gets pushed by San and goes flying towards them. He collides with the two of them on the floor, pressing Wooyoung’s neck to Jongho’s crotch, his head to his lower belly. Yeosang is sprawled out over him, covering Jongho’s torso, and then San yells and Mingi screams and the air gets punched out of him as they both join in.

The lack of mobility and breath overshadow the touching for a moment, the smell of whoever’s cologne it is that’s filling his nose, of Wooyoung’s neck directly on his dick, someone’s hands on his chest, someone else’s on his waist. And then it all comes crashing down on Jongho and he can feel his face heat up, can feel his dick getting hard and he wiggles and whines, and he doesn’t know who, but someone raises their arm so he can roll out from under them. Wooyoung screams as he becomes the lowest part in the puppy pile that gets crushed by everyone else and Jongho looks up at the others. Hongjoong and Seonghwa are quietly conversing with each other but Yunho is looking right at him, scrutinizing him.

Jongho stumbles to his feet and into the bathroom, closing the door behind himself, and props his hands up onto the sink. He’s breathing hard, can still feel Wooyoung’s touch on his body, even though there hadn’t even been skin on skin contact and he’s half hard in his pants from something as stupid as a cuddle pile.

Why does he always have to react like this, why can’t he be fucking normal? Cuddling is something friends do, it’s not something that should make him feel like this, all hot and bothered.

And safe and happy.

He wants nothing more than to go out there and jump right in, to hug and cuddle, to touch and be touched, but it’s just too much and Jongho can’t subject them to the nasty thoughts in his head, creeping up again and again. The heat on his skin that lingers even now, when it’s been a couple of minutes of clutching the sink as if his life depended on it.

He doesn’t know how long it takes for his boner to go down so far that he doesn’t think it’s noticeable anymore, for his cheeks to stop burning and for his breathing to calm down. There’s a bit of sweat clinging to his nape, not from exhaustion, but from how hard he’s breathing, how much he’s bothered by it. It’s grown cold now and Jongho tries to wipe it away with a towel, the back of his hand, anything.

When he looks closer into the mirror, he notices a bit of wetness clinging to his eyelashes and he curses. He can’t look like he cried, that will make everyone wonder and ask, because all of his hyungs (and occasional noona) are nosy as fuck. So he takes a deep breath, clears his throat once, twice and straightens out the shirt he’s wearing. Nothing bad is going on. If anyone asks him what took him so long he’ll just tell them he ate something bad. Embarrassing, but not as disgusting as the truth. Not something that would change all of their thoughts of him forever.

He opens the door to the bathroom slowly, doesn’t peek his head out yet, because he doesn’t want anyone’s attention to shift to him. He doesn’t get to put a foot out of the door before he hears voices, close. Leaning forward slowly, he notices that Hongjoong and Yunho are standing in the tiny kitchen area, while everyone else is chatting in the living room.

They’re in the middle of a conversation, when Jongho listens in and for a moment, he feels bad but then.

“-ed homophobia-”

“-don’t know-”

“-ve seen it before…. just worried for … Disgusted, it seems?”

“Jongho wouldn’t…”

They’re whispering, so Jongho only understands half of it, but he immediately pulls back, heart beating fast.

What? Did- did Yunho say that Jongho might be homophobic? Is- did he say something, did he try too hard to hide his disgusting self or- maybe in the end the way he feels is- is like that? He never considered that, tried so hard-

“I’ll take him aside-” Hongjoong says, and Jongho’s whole body grows cold. He leans forward further, wanting to listen better. “Can’t have anyone be uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I think that might be safest for everyone involved. I think Wooyoung noticed too, we talked about it the other day.”

He can’t do this. He’s not- Or is he? Did he make anyone uncomfortable? Did he make _Wooyoung_ uncomfortable? Is that why Yunho is always looking at him? Jongho has never had to try hard to accept all of his friends, because they are what he wants to be so bad but- who knows. They might have been too nice to call him out on it- whatever it is.

Jongho tiptoes to the front door and slips on his shoes. He has his phone and his keys in his pocket and he thinks he might have left a button down in the living area that he had thrown on originally, but he can’t go in there again.

He doesn’t say goodbye. The door lock beeps behind him as it closes, and he doesn’t wait for anyone to notice the noise, just power walks down the hallway, doesn’t take the elevator, but just runs twenty-two flights of stairs down and then straight to the metro. Not looking back, barely even breathing.

There are so many thoughts running through his head he doesn’t know what to do, what to think, doesn’t even know what to say to any of the others. In his pocket his phone starts vibrating and he shuts it off without looking, he can’t.

Logically, he knows he didn’t hear everything. But- it feels like it all comes crashing down on him, the weight of the world, of his own disgusting self, of who he is - sick, twisted and disgusting - and who he will never be - happy, loved and normal - and it’s too much. It’s all just too much.

For as long as he’s out in the open he manages to hold it together. The code he puts into the door lock is wrong four fucking times and he only gets it open on the fifth try. He takes his shoes off, closes the door, and breathes through his open mouth. Two of the other tenants of the goshiwon are in the kitchen and he manages to bow to them because they’re both older. Then he enters his room, closes the door and sits down on the floor.

He sits down and he feels-

Nothing.

Everything?

His chest shakes. He breathes and it rattles inside his lungs. Spit is sticking to his lips. There are drops of something on his jeans. Jongho wipes the back of his hand over his chin. The drops stop for half a minute.

He reaches for a sweatshirt that’s lying on the floor. Buries his face in it so that no one hears him. So that no one sees him.

That’s the way he prefers it anyway.

That’s better for everyone around him in the end.

* * *

Jongho doesn’t know how long he sits on the floor. At some point he crawls into his bed and falls asleep. It might have been hours, it might have been minutes.

He wakes up at some point the next day, eats, goes to M.A.R.U., reads a bit for his classes in the next semester. His phone stays off; he doesn’t log into any of his social media on his laptop when he turns it on.

It’s just- it’s too much.

He doesn’t even know what bothered him so much about the whole conversation. Or half-conversation that he overheard. But what he heard- It- it did something to him. Opened something up, something that he can’t explain, something that he didn’t know existed.

It makes him feel bad. Raw. Split open.

Forgetting what he heard or pretending it never existed sounds like a good idea, and the only feasible option. Maybe everyone else will forget about it as well. Maybe they’ll forget about him too, and he can be as alone and invisible again as he used to be before he met them.

He does know he’s being a bit dramatic, but those are the thoughts going through his head. Nothing logical. Just - pain. Hurt. Anger. Disgust. Mostly at himself. For being the way he is. For not being born differently. For not being able to be different.

For-

Existing.

* * *

In the end it’s a doorbell that becomes his doom. Jongho is in his room, headphones on and playing League of Legends, on hour thirteen. He’s pretty sure he can hear colours, but one of his housemates is faster than him, buzzes whoever it is up and then pounds against Jongho’s door.

“Get up, lazy, it’s for you!”

Jongho looks down on himself, at the pyjamas he’s wearing that he hasn’t changed in days, his greasy hair, the way his face broke out horribly because he’s been crying at random intervals. But he shuffles out of the door, thankful that his housemates aren’t waiting in the hallway, and sticks his head between the door and the frame.

Hongjoong stands in front of it, mask up to their eyes, hair pulled back with a hairband and wearing some kind of half-skirt that Jongho assumes they got out of some KPOP video. Hongjoong’s clothing taste does very much go in that direction, but they’ve got the charisma to pull it off. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re now standing in his doorway, when Jongho doesn’t want to see anybody.

So, somehow his first reflex is to close the door.

A socked foot sticks between it. Hongjoong didn’t even move it. Must have known already.

He wonders when he became this obvious. Or when Hongjoong started knowing him so well.

“Will you let me in?” they ask, and Jongho swallows. He doesn’t want to see anyone. Possibly ever.

But he knows that Hongjoong won't just back down. Of course they won't force entry, but they have this way of making Jongho do things that are supposed to help him grow, and sometimes he hates them for it, even though he knows it'll turn out well for him. Or- better than before. Things have a way of somehow working out when Hongjoong makes you talk about your feelings which is something Jongho would still prefer not to do. He'd rather wallow in self-pity and spend the rest of his days holed up in his room.

But of course he steps to the side and lets them in. As he closes the door Hongjoong pulls their mask down their face, looking around, and Jongho tries his best not to feel embarrassment about the state of his room. Hongjoong themself isn't the tidiest person, but Jongho hasn't cleaned in a while. Or put his clothes away. Or the ramyun wrappers. Or the giant package he had delivered from iherb the other day, when retail therapy had caught up with him and he realised that maybe buying six packages worth a month of protein powder for 60,000 won _each_ had not been the best idea, even if the flavours had all been quite interesting. Which just means that Jongho will eat protein shakes for the next month because he had blown through all of his allowance with that order. Thankfully Hongjoong does not comment on the giant barrels, nor on the general state of Jongho's room, but just sits on the bed while Jongho slowly shuffles to his one chair and gives him a weak smile.

"How have you been?"

Jongho shrugs. He doesn't know why they're pretending like they're not here because Jongho has been MIA the past couple of days. Or because they want to call him out for what Yunho said. Maybe the whole friend group spoke about it and they've all come to the same conclusion that Jongho’s behaviour isn’t acceptable. That is quite possible.

Some part of him inside of him tells him that he's overreacting, but he can't stop it. Seeing Hongjoong sit here like that is just- It's a lot.

"Jongho-yah," Hongjoong starts and Jongho looks down onto his knees. There's a pretty big spot on his sweatpants that looks like mushed dry red rice corn. Did he make kimchi fried rice at some point in the last few days, or is it even older than that? "Is it alright if we talk about something serious?"

Oh. So that's where they’re going with all of this. Jongho shrugs again. He really doesn't want to talk, but then- he does know that he should. At least like this he'll know how disgusting the others consider him to be.

"Jjongie," Hongjoong says, and Jongho nods.

"Yes, noona."

Hongjoong hums. "You left the other day, did you hear what Yunho and I talked about?"

He nods again. "I'm not-" he swallows. What if he is? "I'm not homophobic, hyung."

For a moment, it's quite silent. Then Jongho looks up finally and finds Hongjoong staring at him with a frown on their face. "What are you talking about?"

"I-" he bites his lip. "I heard you talk about me and- I'm trying, I really do, but I'm not- Really."

"Oh, Jongho." Hongjoong lets out a sigh. "Yunho didn't say you're homophobic."

Yes he did. That's what Jongho heard. Or- that's the part that he thought he heard. The part that maybe he wanted to hear because it makes sense in the context. Of Yunho staring at him, questioning, judging. Maybe deep down he even agreed with it.

"He said- and please don't feel like I'm attacking you- that he's worried about you-"

"Worried?"

"That you might be struggling with internalized feelings, that he noticed you only get uncomfortable with guys touching you, but not with girls-"

Shame washes over him. It's true. He doesn't mind touching girls because those kind of interactions aren't sullied by his disgusting thoughts and- Yunho noticed that- noticed it because Jongho is sick and twisted and it must be _so_ obvious.

Desperately, he wants to shake his head. Wants to defend himself in some way, but he can't. It's true. Any minute now, Hongjoong will tell him that they all know he gets off on them touching him. How they don't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

"So I'm just here to tell you it's perfectly fine if you developed a certain kind of feeling for guys. It's confusing, I know that, realising you might not be straight-"

Wait. What?

Jongho's head snaps up and he blinks. Hongjoong looks so serious, so helpful as if they think- that Jongho is dealing with- what, a recent case of sexual confusion or something? Is that- Is that what they think? What they all think? Do they think it's because it's obvious how attracted he is to them? That his eyes linger? That he _sexualises_ them?

"It's normal, you have so many handsome people around you and it's alright to experiment and figure out if you might be attracted to guys. No one faults you for looking at Seonghwa or Wooyoung and thinking damn-"

"They're my friends," Jongho interjects. It's rude to interrupt Hongjoong who is older than him, but he can't have them think this. "I'm not attracted to my friends. That's not- that's disgusting."

For a moment, Hongjoong blinks at him. Tilts their head. "Jongho-yah, you're allowed to think that, but for a lot of people physical attraction is something perfectly normal, even in regards to their friends."

He shakes his head immediately. No. No. That's not true.

"There’s a difference between thinking your friends are handsome and being attracted to them. Like-" he feels himself getting agitated. That's not good. He's the one who's in the wrong here, who's being disgusting, he has no right to feel defensive. "Like you can't look at your friends in the communal shower or when they get dressed and think they're hot, or have them lay on you and enjoy it because you're attracted to them, hyung, that's not- No."

Something happens on Hongjoong's face and Jongho feels as if he can't breathe. He gets up from his chair, bare feet padding over the floor covered in laundry and presses himself against the half wall under the windows, crossing his arms.

"It's okay if you have a boner after Wooyoung rubs his cheek against your crotch, Jongho-yah," Hongjoong says slowly and Jongho's whole face explodes with heat. He does his best not to whimper at being found out like this and he shakes his head. This is not fair, this is not what he meant or what he wanted anyone to find out. Was he so obvious? Did they all see? Did Wooyoung _feel_ it? He complained, didn't he? "It happens to the best of us."

The crossed arms wrap around his torso and Jongho lowers his head, shakes it slowly.

"It's perfectly normal. You know I regularly dream about having sex with Mingi? Seonghwa-hyung's number one fantasy is taking San’s dick. We all have fantasies."

It occurs to him, that they're not talking about the possibility of Jongho being attracted to his friends anymore. Hongjoong has seen right through him and knows he is, they know he thinks disgusting thoughts about his friends. Why are they still here and talking to him?

"It means you're using them as your own jerk off material and they didn't consent to being sexualised by you." He remembers what Changhoon had said. How scary it is to be treated like that. And it is. Knowing that Jongho is out there getting off to Wooyoung should make Wooyoung feel unsafe around him, because it's an invasion of privacy and-

"That sounds like the kind of shit my classmates said in P.E. class when I changed with them," Hongjoong snorts and shakes their head and then, as Jongho flinches, their whole face freezes.

Jongho feels himself growing cold, the crossed arms wrapping around him and suddenly Hongjoong is up on their feet. "Oh, Jongho."

He shakes his head. It's not fucked up shit. It's the truth. He's disgusting and sick and he uses his friends-

"Jongho, that's not the truth. Kids say fucked up stuff like that. And maybe straight guys in the gym too. Or straight women. They are all weird about queer people watching them, but it doesn't make you hurtful to be attracted to someone." Jongho curls in on himself. Hongjoong’s socket feet appear in front of him and Jongho sniffles. "It can be difficult as a questioning straight guy-"

It's in that exact moment that he realises he can't take it anymore. He can't exist like that anymore, he doesn't want Hongjoong or anyone to assume that about him, anymore and it doesn't matter if Hongjoong will find him disgusting afterwards for lying or for faking who he is, it's just- he can't do it anymore.

"Stop saying that," he demands and forgets all honorifics. His voice sounds so weak and shaky and he hates it. "I'm not a questioning straight guy. I know what I'm into-" Hongjoong starts to say something, but stops when Jongho just keeps on rambling. Now that he’s opened the floodgates it's as if he can't stop himself. "I'm not- I've never been- You all just assumed- and- I didn't correct you, I'm sorry for lying to you, but it's been years and-"

"Jongho."

His head snaps up. Hongjoong is so close.

"I'm going to hug you now."

"Noona, you hate physical contact."

"I'm making an exception. And it's okay if you like it. Or if you get a boner."

Jongho laughs through the tears, but he shrugs and then Hongjoong steps close and puts their hands under Jongho's arms, wrapping them around his chest. For a moment, he hesitates. Hongjoong is a bit smaller than him, so Jongho can tuck his chin over their shoulder and hug them over their shoulders. They're warm, their small body pressed against Jongho's and it's nice. He likes it. A lot. It makes him feel warm and tingly, and shame bubbles up immediately. A sob escapes him, shaking his whole form and a small hand caresses his back.

"Shh," Hongjoong says. "You're going to be alright."

* * *

Later, when they're both lying on Jongho's bed, holding hands because Hongjoong really doesn't like physical contact and Jongho hates it with every fibre of his being, but realises that he needs it so much, Hongjoong slowly says, "You don't need to apologise, and you weren't lying."

"Hm?" he's exhausted and tired. He wants to sleep for a million years.

"For not coming out to any of us. You don't owe anyone that part of you. It's something you're allowed to share freely with everyone. Or keep it to yourself. This whole having to come out? It's all heteronormative shit in the end. The world is a shitty place and being comfortable and safe is more important than adhering to it. So being queer - whatever that means to you - is no one else's business."

Oh. Jongho doesn't know what to think about that. He always assumed- of course everyone would be so mad at him for hiding. He didn't tell them about this part of himself for so long.

"I don't know what to think about that," he answers honestly, because it's true. Even now, he hasn’t told Hongjoong he's gay. He feels a bit too raw for that to be honest. Maybe one day he'll manage.

"That's also fine. No one knows shit about anything. I certainly don't know what to say right now; I assumed we would be talking about self-discovery, I did not prepare a PowerPoint presentation for this."

Jongho blinks. "You prepared a PowerPoint presentation about self-discovery?"

"It was a lot of work, you better appreciate it.”

“Am I going to see it?”

“No, you don’t need it, silly.”

“But then how will I appreciate it?”

“Don’t question me.”

* * *

It takes him two more days to come out of his room for anything else than a grocery run and a visit to M.A.R.U..

He texts the others casually, interacts in the group chat and they don’t call him out for falling off the face of the earth for a week, which he’s thankful for. He wonders if Hongjoong said something to make them all remain silent or if it’s that they didn’t notice.

**Kim Hongjoong-nim (uni)**

I told Yunho that we talked and that he doesn’t have to be worried about you, that you’re just going through something else. He said he might have to apologise to you because it was none of his business so expect that. I didn’t say anything else about you, because that’s not my story to tell

thank you, noona

Don’t thank me yet.

Mingi overheard us. Somehow both of us talking about you and agreeing not to be worried about you made HIM really worried. I tried to tell him it’s nothing but long story short

He’s on his way to you

* * *

Jongho is about to answer Hongjoong with a big capitalized _What the Fuck_ when the doorbell rings. Once again, he’s not fast enough,which might be because he’s sitting on the floor of the kitchen, sorting through his clothes. There’s one load of laundry already in the machine - his underwear and socks - that’ll be done in about five minutes, one already on the drying rack - gym clothes and everything with stains because he uses laundry detergent marketed to foreigners for that - and the rest of his clothes, which is about two more loads in front of him. He’s trying to separate light and dark colours because if he’s going to do this, he’ll do it right.

So when one of his housemates buzzes the visitor up, Jongho has barely gotten up from the huge pile.

“Choi Jongho,” he yells, and Jongho yells back:

“In the kitchen.”

“Visitor for you again, stop meeting so many people already.”

“Yes, hyungnim.”

Jongho kicks the bathroom door open with his feet and leans forward as Mingi shuffles in, leaving his shoes at the door. He looks around for a moment before closing the apartment door behind himself – his housemate must have gone back to his room – and then walking over to Jongho in the kitchen.

“Yo, Jongho.”

“Hi, hyung,” Jongho says, and pretends like he’s not looking at Mingi as he steps over Jongho to sit down on the part of the floor that isn’t occupied by laundry. Mingi’s legs are so long, and Jongho’s reminded of that fact that Hongjoong thinks about having sex with Mingi sometimes. Which- Mingi is attractive, yes, but Jongho can’t understand how Hongjoong can be so casual about it.

There’s nothing casual about attraction, nothing acceptable.

“How are you doing?” Mingi asks, and Jongho stares at a red shirt. He throws it on the dark clothing pile and hopes he did that right.

He shrugs, because he doesn’t really feel like pretending everything is fine. Mingi knows enough and lying is exhausting. And that’s what Jongho is. Exhausted. “Been better.”

“Hm,” Mingi hums. “You’ve been absent.”

“I’m sorry.”

There’s silence for a moment and Jongho wonders what Mingi intends to say to him. Or if he’s just here for his presence, which might also be possible.

“I’ve been- thinking a lot,” he settles on. “About myself and stuff.”

“Hm.” Mingi’s short nails hit the tiles, making a bit of noise. “You know you can talk to all of us, right? Or even to one of us, doesn’t even have to be me.”

“I know.” He bites his lip. The washing machine makes a noise and Jongho crawls towards it, pulls the door open and heaves his clothes out and into the waiting basket. He slides it over to where Mingi is sitting close to the drying rack and puts the light clothes in before turning around and moving to the drying rack. Hanging up the laundry, it focuses him, moving his hands like this, like a good EMOM would. “I spoke to Hongjoong-noona about it, the other day.”

“I know,” Mingi nods. “Sorry, I overheard them and Yunho talking about it, I didn’t mean to.” Mingi fidgets, seems hesitant. It’s not how he usually behaves, but then he’s so much more quiet today than he usually is, so- that might just be what Jongho finds so weird. “I feel like it’s all my fault.”

“Your fault?”

“Hm. I- Yunho- I know from Yunho that you overheard them talking about some internalized homophobia Yunho thinks you might have, and that might be my fault.”

Now Jongho turns around to Mingi, a pair of underwear in his hands that he wants to hang up. “How would Yunho-hyungnim assuming I have internalized homophobia be your fault?” He’s quite proud of himself for sounding so calm.

“Well,” Mingi draws the word long. “Yunho kind of thought you might be more homophobic than you let on after he first met you and I know that’s not true, but he mentioned some behaviours he knows from guys from his past and- well, I kind of said you’re not homophobic, if anything it’s more internalized homophobia.”

Huh. Jongho swallows. His heart is beating so calmly, he’s surprised at himself. Maybe he has no more fucks to give. Maybe telling Hongjoong opened something inside of him. “And you just said it because of … reasons, or was it based on something?” Does Mingi know? Is Jongho so obvious in his attraction that even Mingi noticed?

Mingi is quiet for a long time. “I- Jjongie, it’s not my place to assume shit.”

At Jongho’s frown he elaborates. “I just- I’m not super perceptive, but my three brain cells notice things and-”

“What, I seem gay?”

“No-” Mingi raises his hand- falters. “I mean- super fucking honestly?”

“Please.”

“You seem one nose ring away from looking gayer than Wooyoung to me, but that’s just me and the vibe I’m getting. It has nothing to do with how you look or dress or behave, it’s just-”

“Smell,” Jongho interrupts him and then adds. “There was a study a couple of years ago, where they put queer people in the room without being able to see each other or some shit and they could tell who was queer by scent or something. It’s how- how friend groups find each other.” Well- he just did that. Used the word queer. Which- usually he doesn’t because he knows cishet people shouldn’t, but then- Well.

Mingi’s nostrils flare, intent in his eyes, and Jongho snickers. Finally hangs the boxer shorts up and puts his hands on the drying rack.

“Whether it’s scent or vibes or whatever gamma rays,” they both snort. “I just- I always got a little bit of a vibe that you’re less straight than you said you were, and when Yunho said your behaviour reeks of homophobia I just- wanted to protect you and I went the wrong way about it.”

Mingi looks truly sorry. “And it’s not my business whether you’re gay or straight or pan or ace or whatever else you could be, but- I’m sorry that I said something that was none of my business. Your sexuality and what you do with it is your choice and I’m sorry Yunho and hyung opened up that can of-”

“I’m gay.”

It seems as if the whole world comes to a screeching halt. He can’t move, he can’t breathe. He said it. He said he is gay. He told someone. Directly. And he didn’t combust. Nothing happened.

(He’s quite surprised about that to be honest.)

He told Mingi that he’s gay, and Mingi- he turns around. Mingi is smiling at him, opening his arms, and how can Jongho hug him when Mingi knows that he’s gay? But then, Mingi doesn’t know-

“I think you’re really attractive and it makes me feel really good when you touch me,” he adds and waits for Mingi to be disgusted, but Mingi just tilts his head.

“You think I’m hot?”

Jongho nods.

“Damn, thank you, you’re hot too.”

Jongho blinks. “I- what?” Why isn’t Mingi disgusted? Why isn’t he uncomfortable with Jongho finding him attractive? “You’re okay with it?”

Mingi shrugs, big shoulders moving up and down. “Unless you expect me to fuck you in which case, no, I’m pretty much monogamous-” he stops. “Unless I’m single and Hongjoong-noona asks me to be their third. That’s always been my dream.”

Remembering what Hongjoong had said, Jongho snorts and takes a step towards Mingi. He can’t believe Mingi doesn’t think it’s a problem, that Jongho’s disgusting behaviour and thoughts don’t deserve a scolding.

“I don’t want that,” he confirms, and Mingi takes a step forward too and then Jongho is engulfed in a giant hug, and he’s so big and warm and- it’s too much. He feels his whole frame trembling as Mingi’s hands press against his back, as his arms become a welcome weight around his shoulders. His own hands wrap around Mingi’s torso and it feels so good he doesn’t know how to handle it.

“Would have surprised me if you did,” Mingi mumbles against his hair and moves his hands over Jongho’s back as he feels himself shaking; shame, happiness, want and need all washing over him. “You’re a good guy, Jongho and you deserve the best.”

And the dam breaks.

* * *

So. Jongho is twenty-one. Gay. Out to two of his friends - mostly. Still short on money for food. Still desperately in love. Still doesn’t dare to look at anyone in the locker room. But if- and it’s a big _if_. If he tells any of his other friends, he’ll tell them he sexualises them. They deserve to know that.

It’s what he tells himself again and again for the next two days as he prepares mentally for another meeting on Friday by doing a workout in the gym. He’s lying flat on a bench, bar loaded with weights above him, paper mask pulled up and ready to bench press some shit. He has the barbell loaded with about 60kgs, which is not his heaviest but something that will get his muscles burning to stop him from thinking, especially after he finished the WOD with everyone’s favourite instructor. Which is a genuine statement. Jongho likes him too, even if he gets lost in his muscles sometimes.

“Want me to spot you?” Wooyoung’s face appears above him, eyes smiling over his own mask. For a split second Jongho - being able to see right up Wooyoung’s shirt, which has deep cuts at the armpits - blinks and loses his train of thought. Shame immediately washes over him and he nods.

He lifts the bar slowly off the rack, straight up over his chest and grinds his feet down onto the floor and then lowers it. Once, twice- he makes it to eleven before his muscles burn and Wooyoung’s hands twitch, and then he does another one before settling the bar back where it belongs with Wooyoung’s help.

“Have you been here long?” he asks Wooyoung, and is thankful that Wooyoung doesn’t call him out on disappearing on them all, but just hums.

“I just finished the workout of the day with Matthew-hyung, I’m fucking dying, I hate EMOMs.”

“How many rounds did you get?” Jongho takes a deep breath and then lifts the bar again.

“Seven, barely.”

Jongho got eight, started the ninth one and had to tap out. Wooyoung gives him a look over raised eyebrows. “Come on, brag.”

“Only-” his arms shake on the sixth rap. “Only eight. Started nine on the calorie bike- but couldn’t finish-” Wooyoung makes a grab for the bar, but Jongho shakes his head and finishes with ten. Declining rep range and all, “-it.”

“Eight is great though. Probably did more weight than I did,” Wooyoung remarks, and it’s only because Jongho is looking right at his face so he doesn’t stare at his sideboobs that he notices Wooyoung’s gaze dropping to his arms.

“Everyone is different,” Jongho says and squirms a bit. He doesn’t know why Wooyoung looked at him like that. “Can’t compare yourself to me,”

“Oh I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Jongho doesn’t really know what to answer to that, so he makes a reach for the bar again to do his last set of eight, and he’s quietly grunting through it when his eyes get stuck on something moving past him.

Something- someone -silvery-grey with a lithe figure, strong thighs, and hooded eyes, and Jongho doesn’t know what’s going on with him, he never ever stared so openly, but at least he’s not the only one. His arms are burning as he lowers and raises the bar again and again, but both him and Wooyoung are so mesmerized by an instructor floating past them that it takes the bar shaking in his hands and Jongho realising he won’t be able to lift it back up for him to squeak and Wooyoung to pull it up. It takes both of them to settle it back on the rack and Jongho’s face burns.

He hopes Wooyoung didn’t notice. But Wooyoung is still staring after the instructor.

“I can never decide if I want to be him or fuck him.” It comes as a whisper, unusual for Wooyoung but understandable considering there are people all around them.

Jongho snorts. “Knowing you, hyung, probably both.”

“Aish,” Wooyoung swats at him and Jongho is glad that he can still joke with him, that he hasn’t become that awkward. “You’re not done yet, right?”

“No, still got deadlifting.”

“Then I’m gonna talk to the man of my dreams real quick, see you later, don’t leave without me.”

Jongho looks after him as Wooyoung casually walks into the direction of the guy, and he knows it’s not true - that almost all guys he meets are his dream guy, but- it does hurt sometimes. That he talks so casually about it. That he- Jongho wonders- that he’s so free about it? That he doesn’t think about how uncomfortable it must be for them? He knows what his answer would have been a week ago. Now? Now he’s just confused.

Jongho puts the bar and the weights away after disinfecting them and moves towards the free weights area and the big cage there. Adjusts the height, moves a different bar onto the fixture and keeps adding weights. He’s all warmed up, so he doesn’t even start with something small, just goes to town on 100kgs and does one set of twelve again. Afterwards he lets it fall to the floor and steps over it to take a drink of something.

He looks around and tries to find Wooyoung again, but he must be serenading the man of his dreams somewhere. The only people around Jongho’s area are Matthew, the instructor doing the WOD earlier who absolutely killed Jongho, talking a tall buff guy through some exercise, two girls squatting really impressive weights, and-

There’s a guy doing chin-ups at the bar next to Jongho. Or- he was doing them. He jumps down, lands elegantly on his feet and shakes his head, his long hair in a ponytail similar to the one Wooyoung was sporting earlier. He has a small mouth - which Jongho only notices because he pulls his mask down to drink something - and big eyes, but he’s more built than Wooyoung, with thighs that rival Jongho’s, but a tiny waist and toned biceps and- tattoos.

Jongho has never been into tattoos. He doesn’t think they look particularly good, especially on the hands, but- they look good on this guy, even if they themselves are a bit wacky. It gives him a certain aura that speaks very much to Jongho in a way he can’t explain.

“Hey,” the guy says, slightly awkwardly, and Jongho realises he was staring right at his chest, sweaty and thick through the fabric of his shirt.

This is why he shouldn’t be allowed to go out in public, he couldn’t even pretend to not sexua-

The guy’s gaze drops down Jongho’s body. Once. Twice. Not in a way that is simply appreciating.

“I was watching you earlier on the bench,” the guy says and scrunches his nose, a nose ring shimmering in the sun. He laughs, and rubs the back of his head and Jongho doesn’t know what’s going on. “Sorry that sounds creepy, but your friend is talking to my hyung right now-”

He’s quiet, when he says it. Gives Jongho a knowing smile. “So because I saw you looking, I thought I’d come over and take a look at you too.”

Come over? Looking? Is- Does this guy- Is he? Jongho feels like he’s short circuiting.

“Unless I’ve like totally misread you, in which case, please do not report me to management and we will forget this ever happened, that’s what I get for putting myself out there.”

Alright, so recap:

a) a very hot guy is hitting on Jongho right now,

b) because he saw Jongho and immediately thought he was- gay? queer? Available?

c) and because his eyes dropped down Jongho’s body and liked what he saw?

Jongho does not know how to handle this. He’s never- no one has ever hit on him. At least not someone from the right gender. Some part of him is shocked that he’s getting hit on in the gym right now, by a guy nonetheless, who somehow realised Jongho is interested in his own gender and who very very clearly gave him elevator eyes. He expects to feel disgusted, because- thinking of someone like that and immediately imagining them doing- something- that isn’t right, but instead he feels- hot- desirable. He’s a sweaty unshowered mess and this guy is slightly flushed.

“No,” he immediately tries to reassure him. “Don’t worry, I’m- I don’t mind- it’s all, uh- good.”

“Oh,” the guy says, smiling under his mask. “Cool, so- what do you do?”

* * *

By the time Wooyoung finds him, he has Jeon Jeongguk’s KKT, which is honestly incredibly surprising to him, because Jeongguk is not only as awkward as Jongho himself but also an introvert, but somehow they’d awkwardly made it through it with a bunch of weird, incredibly embarrassing gym references that Jongho hopes no one saw.

Wooyoung seems to be absolutely unaware of what’s going on as he comes over, big grin on his face and whining that he wants to leave now. Jongho, weak and gay, immediately agrees, and Jeongguk gives him an awkward shake with his phone that Jongho subtly answers with a nod, before following Wooyoung out - the fact that he spent twenty minutes talking to Jeongguk after he put his weights away should honestly be even more embarrassing, Jongho doesn’t do this kind of stuff.

It’s only when Wooyoung rips his sorry excuse for a muscle shirt over his head that Jongho realises that they’re going to shower. Together. Naked.

Jongho turns away the second Wooyoung’s pants fall, and stalls. Waits for him to get undressed and into the shower before doing the same and keeping his eyes close to the floor. Just- just because Hongjoong and Mingi said it’s okay to think your friends are attractive and to have certain thoughts about them doesn’t mean that Jongho gets to stare at him when he’s vulnerable, and naked, and dripping with sweat and water, suds running down his strong thighs and-

“-ngho? Hello, earth to Jongho?” Wooyoung complains and Jongho looks up, pointedly away from any naked skin he will dream of for the next three weeks and into Wooyoung’s eyes which move up towards him just as their gazes cross. Huh?

“Sorry, was in thought.”

“Hm,” Wooyoung pouts. “I can see that. What were you thinking about? Yoorim-ssi?”

Jongho blinks and hits the shower button again. “What? Why would I be thinking about her?”

Wooyoung shrugs and holds his head under the water. “I don’t know, you had this really intense dreamy look on your face-” Shit. “And what other thing to think about but a really cute girl.”

“Hah,” Jongho makes. “Yeah, what other thing to think about.”

“Anyway,” Wooyoung steps away from the stream and reaches for his towel. “I asked if you want to go eat something?” Jongho hesitates. He doesn’t have money to spare on eating out, but he also doesn’t want to say no to Wooyoung. They’ve spent so little time together recently. Maybe- Maybe he can just go into his savings- “Hyung’s paying.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

* * *

They get tteokbokki and dakgangjeong from a local street food seller, because Jongho insisted on protein after their workout, and it’s not like he doesn’t know that Wooyoung will eat three bites, take a picture for SNS and then shove it all over to Jongho anyway.

“Muscles burn fat, hyung, you should want to put on muscle.” Wooyoung studies food and nutrition, he really should know better, but then- Wooyoung also likes to remind him what kind of people become food science majors.

“But my thighs are big enough as they are,” Wooyoung complains and Jongho- does not agree. “We can’t all look like you, Jjongie, some of us look better lithe.”

“Like the stretching instructor?” he jokes, because laughing through your own pain has always been one of the easiest things.

“Hm,” Wooyoung leans back on the park bench they’re sitting on. “He is so far out of my league it’s unfair.”

Jongho hums as an answer, even though he doesn’t agree. Of course he doesn’t know anything about the instructor’s personality, and some people might think he looks better than Wooyoung, but Wooyoung glows. From his laugh, to his passion, to the way his looks make Jongho’s heart flutter.

“Excuse me?” Wooyoung shrieks, and Jongho blinks at him, surprised by the sudden outburst. “You’re not supposed to agree with me! You’re supposed to console me, you insolent brat, unbelievable.”

Jongho lifts the food in his hands so that Wooyoung can throw himself onto his thigh, which- as always - makes him flinch, because Wooyoung is warm and his presence is heavy, but it’s not as bad as it is usually.

“You’re handsome, hyung,” Jongho tries to console him. He also tries to be very aloof about it, because he does not want Wooyoung to know that he’s probably the most attractive person in Jongho’s eyes. “Very attractive, way out of that guy’s league.”

“You think I’m attractive?” Wooyoung looks up immediately, staring at Jongho and Jongho feels his whole face flush and not only because the tteokbokki is very spicy and the sun is very hot on his face, burning him in a way that he would rather not have.

“I mean-” some part of him wants to say, _Just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I can’t find a guy attractive_ , but- he doesn’t want to do that. Doesn’t want to pretend to be straight. “I have eyes. Everyone would think you’re attractive. But- you’re also a really cool person, so even if you weren’t- you’re still- way out of that guy’s league.”

Wooyoung blinks at him and Jongho wants for the earth to open and swallow him up. He said too much. He became way too obvious. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he just keep quiet like he has for the past year, what is going on with him recently?

“Oh- thank you, Jjongie,” Wooyoung laughs and it sounds a bit awkward. His ears are red from the spiciness or the sun and Jongho wants to shrink and bury his head in the sand. “You’re attractive too. No homo. Or- well all of the homo, but-”

“I know,” he interrupts, and finds himself sounding a bit strangled. Why did he have to say that, why did he have to talk about Wooyoung like that, he clearly made him uncomfortable,because he’s a twisted asshole who does that to his friends.

He turns away and doesn’t notice the look on Wooyoung’s face at all.

* * *

**Jeon Jeongguk**

full disclosure

i stalked you on sns

and saw you’re a 00 liner and i wanted to apologise i thought you were like my age

please don’t feel like you have to flirt back or go on a date with me or that you can’t say no because i’m older

i didn’t think i had to do any of that

pheeeew

wait how old are you

97

damn you’re old

i am baby how dare you

but also capable of influencing you with my hyung powers so again please ignore any pass i made on you

oh

okay

unless you want to go on a date in which case please ask me because my hyungs all taught me not to be a creepy asshole

oh

NO PRESSURE

but do you want to go on a date with me?

i can neither confirm nor deny

my hyungs would scold me so hard

haha

i mean we can hang out and stuff

stuff

i like that

vague

plasible deniablity

that is not a word

it is now

so would i have to say the time and place?

for my moral compass? yes

okay i will think of something

* * *

Something, because Jongho is an absolutely unimaginative idiot and he doesn’t know why Jeon Jeongguk would ever want to go on a date with him, turns out to be the gym and then afterwards a PC Bang. It doesn’t start out like that. Jongho recommends the PC Bang they always go to. Jeongguk doesn’t know it but is open to the prospect of going there and the time he suggests technically works for Jongho if not for the fact that he likes doing the workout of the day with instructor Lee Hoseok on Thursdays. Which Jeongguk also has not had the pleasure of doing, so they meet up before that, exchange a few words and then there’s no more time to speak because despite his kind smile and very impressive chest Lee Hoseok runs them dry.

When they do stumble into the PC Bang - registering at the entrance - and immediately order a shit ton of food that Jongho once again can’t afford (but that he hopes m Jeongguk will pay for) - they are both groaning and laughing.

“Shit,” Jeongguk curses. “I was trying to avoid Matthew-hyung. I didn’t think Hoseok-sunbaenim was out to kill us.”

“It’s great, right?”

“You and I have a different definition of great.”

They both laugh before silence settles over them as they get served drinks. Food will come soon, the server says, and Jongho bows his head to her before taking the bottle and serving Jeongguk before himself like the good maknae he is. He doesn’t miss the fact that Jeongguk reaches for the bottle first and then blinks at Jongho in confusion before realising that it’s not his job today.

“So, hyung-” Jongho bites his lip. It’s personal, but Jeongguk brought it up, and it’s not like he knows what one speaks about on dates. “Why are you trying to avoid Matthew-sunbaenim?”

Jeongguk nearly chokes on his drink and Jongho reaches out with one hand, hovering it right over Jeongguk’s shoulder, before making up his mind and patting him on the back.

“Oh-” Jeongguk coughs. “It’s nothing bad. Matthew-hyung started dating my hyung recently and I’m just like- madly in love with him.” Jeongguk keeps his voice low, in case there might be people listening.

“You’re what?”

“Madly in love with him.”

“With your hyung? Or Matthew-sunbaenim?”

Jeongguk sighs, and Jongho doesn’t really know what’s going on. Is this what people talk about on dates?

“My hyung. Actually, I’m in love with all of my hyungs, but he’s been the most available up until he started dating Matthew-hyung, who is nice and funny and kind and- really great,” Jeongguk hiccups. “All my other hyungs are dating, apart from my tiny hyung, but he sees me more like a pet that he needs to feed every day, so- yeah. Four years of jerking off to him and never making a move and he finds someone who opened their mouth, and didn’t even ask me. Not that he knew about my feelings, but he could have been at least a little bit considerate and asked me, you know?”

Inside Jongho’s head, the gears are turning.

  1. Jeongguk is in love with all of his hyungs. With one specifically (or two?)
  2. He said earlier that he was putting himself out there, which means he’s about as invested in this as Jongho himself - not much, just looking for a nice evening.
  3. He jerked off to his hyung?



“Isn’t it kind of weird to sexualise your hyung like that?” he asks, and Jeongguk raises an eyebrow. “I mean- did you ask them if it’s okay?”

“No. They don’t know I’m jerking off to them, that’s private.”

Huh. Jongho curls a little bit in on himself. He doesn’t really get it. “But, hyung, isn’t it weird to- I mean- having these thoughts about them without their permission?”

“Oof,” Jeongguk lets out a whoosh of air. “I mean- Wow- I don’t think so? Like- my hyung, the one who cheated on me-”

“I thought you weren’t together?”

“Not the point, Jongho-yah,” Jeongguk scolds him. “He would have a better thought out answer for that, but I think- we all have thoughts and opinions about everything around us. And- as long as you don’t tell them, it’s not hurting them?”

“But-” Jongho breaks off as the door opens and the server comes back. She places their bowls - rice, noodles, chicken, an assortment of different side dishes - at the end of the table and Jongho gets up to pull them over and give Jeongguk his chopsticks. “Isn’t it creepy to look at them and their actions and think they’re hot and use them for your own fantasies when they just want to be your friends and don’t expect it?”

They both immediately dig in.

“I mean-” Jeongguk chews slowly and whips his head back and forth. “I understand what you mean. But- brains are weird and they will find attractive what they want, and I think as long as you don’t expect them to change their behaviour or cater to you?” At Jongho’s frown, he elaborates. “Like- I don’t expect Namjoon-hyung to remain standing in summer because every time he sits down in these stupid shorts his thighs just squish and get bigger and I feel like digging my teeth into them. I’ll just think about it and he won’t ever know, so it won’t make him uncomfortable.”

“But you still have the thought-”

“And who does it hurt?”

“What?”

“Who does it hurt to have the thought? I’m not thinking something damaging like, ‘the Japanese don’t have to apologize for their treatment of Korean women during the world war’, or that I shouldn’t date someone with darker skin, like my grandmother keeps telling me. I just think someone is hot.”

Jongho is- shaken. He- He doesn’t know if he can see it like that. If he can- It makes so much sense what Jeongguk says.

Who does it hurt?

“But doesn’t it make you a creepy person?”

“Do you think I’m creepy?”

“Why would I think that?”

Jeongguk smiles at him. “Why do you think I approached you in the gym?”

Jongho answers honestly. “Because you’re trying to get over your hyung?”

Something seems to break in Jeongguk’s face, because he sinks in on himself. “Yeah, he left me, and soon my small hyung will have to enlist, and then it’s just me and a bunch of couples and I will be incredibly lonely.” But then he shakes his head once and claps his hands. “No, not the point. What I was thinking when I approached you was ‘fuck, he’s hot’. Well, actually I thought you and your friend were dating before he went after Jimin-hyung, but I also thought you were both hot.”

“You can think someone is hot, hyung. It’s not like you were thinking about us in-” he breaks off. Jeongguk gives him a long look. “You did?”

“I won’t talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable, but yeah.”

“What did you think about?”

“That I would fuck either of you if you were up for it. That your friend’s ass is glorious and I’d love to see him throw it back as he sinks down on me, and that you look like you’d fuck me well while I cling to your very sweaty back.” It’s incredibly crude but- that was the point most likely. Jeongguk was trying to be as specific as possible.

Jongho feels his face heat up. Jeongguk slurps half a cup of noodles down as if it were nothing and then looks back at Jongho.

He- he doesn’t know how to feel. Some part of him is uncomfortable. Some part of him hates that Jeongguk told him this, but then- Jeongguk asked him first. Jongho wanted to know. If he hadn’t asked, if they never spoke about this, he would never have known. He certainly hadn’t noticed Jeongguk’s thoughts in his behaviour.

So how does he feel about Jeongguk now? Is he disgusted? Not really. Is he a bit uncomfortable? Maybe.

Huh.

“But-” he starts. “It’s not the same as if you hug and then you really like it, and you imagine it going further. Like- that is your friend.”

“And you’re still not expecting anything of them, right?”

“No, but- but it- you shouldn’t like get hard because you’re hugging someone,” he insists, because surely that is the key argument. This is what makes him so disgusting. In the back of his mind he realises how absolutely ridiculous it is to have this conversation over food with a near stranger in a PC Bang.

“You don’t control your body’s reaction, only your following actions,” Jeongguk says and Jongho-

Jongho’s world shatters.

“I- What.”

“Penises are weird. Sometimes I get a boner because I think about like- pork belly. Do I fuck the pork belly? No.”

“But-”

“It’s a perfectly normal, natural reaction-” Jeongguk shrugs. Pushes a leaf filled with food into his mouth and chews loudly. His lips are a bit red from the spices, and Jongho thinks he might be short-circuiting. It-

His actions define him.

Not his _reactions_.

_His actions._

“Are you alright?”

No. Absolutely not.

There’s a hand on his own, Jeongguk’s, and Jongho realises that he never told Jeongguk that he doesn’t like to be touched, that it makes him uncomfortable, but then- has that not always been a lie as well. Just like his whole existence?

Because Jeongguk’s hand on his is warm and big, and he has tattoos on his knuckles that are so inappropriate for the work force and most likely won’t make it possible for him to apply to a number of different jobs and yet- it’s nice. Really nice. Nicer than it should be.

“So my three brain cells tell me that this isn’t actually about me thinking about my hyungs,” Jeongguk says after a while, and Jongho laughs hysterically and buries his face in his free hand.

“If only you knew, hyung,” he mumbles and Jeongguk raises his eyebrows.

“Well, I’m available to listen.”

And listen he does. Jongho doesn’t unload on him fully. Despite their conversation being way too personal anyway he doesn’t tell him everything about his childhood, about his self-hatred and his shame. But he does tell him about Wooyoung. About his smile and his laugh, about how he called Jongho when he first ranked Platinum I, about the way he makes Jongho feel when he turns his attention on him. And Jeongguk smiles at him knowingly, and listens until he receives a call from one of his hyungs demanding that he come over to eat some leftover food. Jongho doesn’t know how he’ll eat anymore after what they’ve already finished, but he understands when Jeongguk’s whole face lights up and he promises to get on a metro immediately.

They do agree to hang out again, just not in a dating context, but Jeongguk still pays in the end, hugs Jongho tight, and Jongho’s breath hitches before he wraps his arms around Jeongguk’s narrow waist and just enjoys a little bit of human contact.

* * *

_I went on a date with a boy._ Jongho sounds the words out silently as he walks up the steps out of the station, towards the PC Bang. Some part of him feels weird about coming here again, since he was just here yesterday, but it’s been a while since they all went and he gets that there’s not really a lot of things for them all to do at the moment.

He doesn’t know if he’s going to tell anyone, but somehow- somehow he feels this need to do it. He wants to tell others. Not only Hongjoong and Mingi, but- everyone. And not even because he liked Jeongguk a lot, or because he wants to go on a second date, but just because- he did that. He. Choi Jongho. Went on a date. With a boy.

The thought is so liberating that Jongho doesn’t really know how to deal with this. He’s never felt like this before and- it’s scary. But exciting.

“Jongho-yah!” Mingi calls for him from behind just as he reaches the door, and he turns around, waves at Mingi and Yunho coming up to him. Mingi’s eyes are pulled up into crescents and he engulfs Jongho in a hug and Jongho squeaks, not used to this kind of thing.

Did they agree that it was fine to hug Jongho now? He doesn’t remember, but it feels good and immediately he feels bad about it, but then he crosses eyes with Yunho who’s standing at the side and Yunho is smiling at them so Jongho just- enjoys it for a moment. Not long, maybe five seconds, because he can’t deal with it for much longer. When he pulls back Mingi lets him go without question and Jongho is thankful.

“Do you have a moment?” Yunho asks, and Mingi waves at them before taking the steps up and going inside. “I’d like to speak with you if you don’t mind.”

Jongho shrugs. He’s alone with Yunho because Mingi must have known that Yunho wants to speak to him, but- he doesn’t feel particularly scared.

So he nods and Yunho leads him a few steps away from the street, towards the walls of the building, in view of the entrance but not so that they could disturb anyone or be overheard by someone who walked past them. Sometimes traffic is a blessing.

“I wanted to apologise to you for being all up in your business,” Yunho says, and Jongho blinks at him.

“What do you mean, hyungnim?”

“Well,” Yunho clears his throat. He looks uncomfortable. “I just- I know Mingi told you what I thought about you and how he corrected me and even then, I just- I don’t know I felt like I had to stick my nose into things where it didn't belong.”

A car rushes past them and Jongho licks his lips as he considers what to answer. “I- I know someone else might be angry that you inserted yourself into my business, hyungnim-“

“Uh- hyung’s fine.”

Jongho blushes, but nods. “Thank you, uhm- but I guess- I think I might have needed that push that you caused, I don’t think I would have done anything otherwise.”

Yunho breathes a sigh of relief. “That- thanks, Jongho-yah, that makes me feel better. I just- Hongjoong-noona didn’t tell me what exactly you discussed, but I’m just- very aware of how much I was projecting onto you-“

“Projecting onto me?”

“Hm,” Yunho nods, leans closer when a couple brushes past them. “I just- I see a lot of myself froma couple of years ago in you, and- I don’t know if I just wanted to see the signs and project onto you being- not straight, or if I was actually seeing vibes and I don’t know, I can have these thoughts but I should have probably kept them to myself.”

Huh. That- sounds familiar. That sounds very much like Jongho’s own problem, just with a different spin on it. He- he never assumed that someone might feel similar about another topic and have the same problem.

“It’s fine- I mean-“ Jongho breathes out. It’s not a problem. Everything is fine. “I was- I guess I wasn’t very nice to you, hyung-“

“Oh no, it’s-“

“I just- I envy you.”

Yunho raises his eyebrows at him. “Envy me?”

He nods. “Yes, I- you’re just- you’re so unashamed of you who are, with the way you act, and I keep thinking ‘hyung is just so incredibly openly unashamedly gay and I want that to be me so bad’.” He takes a deep breath. “Because- I am- But- I’m so- I’m working on it, talking with people but-“

“You feel like every interaction you have is tainted by you ruining it with your thoughts.”

His head snaps up. His heart is beating so fast after his confession, but- he never expected Yunho to understand him.

“I- I wasn’t lying when I said I’m seeing something of myself in you,” Yunho admits, and Jongho is staring at him. “I struggled a lot with it and- I assume Hongjoong-hyung and Mingi talked to you about how it’s not bad to like being touched, even if you’re attracted to them, but- I struggled with it for years, even after I had my first boyfriend.”

“How- How did you- fix it?”

Yunho closes his eyes. “It makes you feel great and then bad to be touched, right?”

He nods.

“So you don’t let anyone touch you?”

He nods again.

“Have you ever considered that maybe you react so hard because you don’t allow yourself to be touched?”

He- has not. He doesn’t even know what that means.

“It’s like- you know when you first have sex you come superfast?”

Jongho does not in fact have first-hand experience, but he does know basic biology. So he nods.

“And it gets better the more you practice and you last longer-“

“Like how you can lift more weights the more you practice.”

Yunho blinks, opens his mouth and then nods. “I guess. Yeah so- you’re probably pretty unused to touch, but the more often you get it, the more you’ll get used to it, the less it will cause a big reaction inside of you.”

Huh. He- he’s never considered it like that. That actually makes a lot of sense, now that he thinks about it. But- it’s so uncomfortable- and he would have to push through all of his negative emotions and feelings, and being uncomfortable-

“So- how do I do that?” he asks, even though it’s a stupid question. He knows how to do it, he knows that he just has to go for it, but- how does he do that when he also doesn’t want to explain to anyone that it’s because he’s gay without actually coming out to them? “I don’t- I’m not ready to tell people.” He knows that now. As much as he thinks he would love to talk about going on a date, he knows that the thought is terrifying. He can’t do it.

“Well I know hyung isn’t always up for it,” Yunho says and opens his arms. “But I am and so is Mingi.”

Oh. Oh, that’s so nice.

Jongho hesitates. It’s dark and everyone is busy and hugging in public isn’t that big of a problem, right? Well- usually. But it’s not like they aren’t spending time with each other without masks anyway. So- so maybe. He steps forwards, wraps his arms around Yunho’s waist and waits for his big hands to engulf him in a big hug, and Yunho presses against him, his body so warm and soft and Jongho buries his face in his shirt, breathing deep.

He was right, back then. Yunho gives great hugs.

And Jongho makes it a whole half a minute, before he feels himself getting way too excited about it.

* * *

Yunho and Mingi make him sit between them. Jongho didn’t expect it when he sat down, and at first he doesn’t understand it, but- it’s nice. It’s nice sitting between them, pressing against him because- listen, he doesn’t feel great about himself, he doesn’t think he ever will, but he feels like he doesn’t have to be on his guard the whole time, lest he do something that might give him away.

It isn’t as if he sat next to Wooyoung – who at first pouts a lot when he realises Jongho sat somewhere else, but then bullies his way into the spot next to Yunho – because he doesn’t think he could sit down next to him and be calm about it at the moment. Too much stuff going on in his head.

“Soooo,” Wooyoung says, leaning onto Yunho as they’re waiting for their game to load up. “What do you think about Worlds?”

“Oh-“ Mingi starts, and Wooyoung narrows his eyes at him and he stops immediately. When Jongho turns around Mingi’s got his tongue out and Wooyoung bares his teeth at him. How are they older but such children sometimes.

“Jongho-yah?” Wooyoung whines. “Worlds?”

Oh- Wooyoung meant him. He thought it had been a general question for their entire row. Jongho hasn't been super interested in Worlds, mostly because his own problems have been so incredibly present at the forefront of his mind, but of course he's always up to talk some LOL.

“I haven’t been keeping up,” he admits. “But I’m excited. I hope their quality is better than during the European championship.”

Wooyoung grounds and drapes himself further onto Yunho in what might be an attempt to get closer. “That was so tragic.”

“Hm.” He swallows. “Have you read the articles on naver about faker?”

Wooyoung hums. “I mean like- I get it, but if they do it they need to extend it to KPOP idols as well.”

“Yeah, I agree, it’s just- I don’t mind him being exempt - he brings a lot of publicity and money into Korea - but they need to revamp the whole law in that case.”

Jongho leans forward into Yunho’s space and ignores the huff that the older boy lets out as they get into the specific issue of who counts as exempt or not. He does notice that at one point Yunho gets up to use the restroom, and when he comes back he just sits down at Wooyoung’s other side so they’re next to each other. It only occurs to Jongho later that they should have offered Yunho to switch with them so he could sit next to Mingi, but somehow that would mean that he’d have to acknowledge that he’s so busy talking to Wooyoung he even forgets how awkward he’s feeling deep down at the core.

-Until Wooyoung laughs loudly as they recall the horrible audio and video quality some of the European contestants had to deal with and just falls forward, hanging onto Jongho’s shoulders with his hands, his head buried against Jongho’s chest. For a second Jongho’s whole body locks up and he wants to scream, wants to remind Wooyoung that he doesn’t do this, that he can’t do this, but then he crosses eyes with Yunho over Wooyoung’s shoulders and takes a deep breath.

He can do this. It’s just Wooyoung holding onto him as he laughs his ass off, it’s nothing bad. He can even laugh with Wooyoung, and put one hand awkwardly on his shoulder. But then Wooyoung raises his head a bit as he wipes a tear away and his hot breath hits Jongho’s neck, and he realises that, _nope, he can’t do this_ as he forces down a very long and hard shudder.

“Wooyoungie,” Mingi whines behind him. “Let Yunho come closer and go pester someone else.”

Wooyoung yells at Mingi, then pouts and sticks out his tongue at him, but he dutifully skids back and lets Yunho take the place next to Jongho again.

“Breathe,” Yunho says, and Jongho nods, trying his best. “It’s not bad, just a physical reaction,” he whispers, and Jongho really tries his best to fight the shame down, to not be disgusted at himself, but- it’s hard.

Mingi stretches an arm out over his shoulder and Jongho flinches at the contact. Yunho’s hand grabs Mingi’s and they’re holding hands securely behind Jongho’s shoulders, and he doesn’t know if that’s better or worse, because now at least he’s not thinking how good Wooyoung’s breath on his mouth felt, but now he has Mingi’s arm, all warm and big around him and-

“Don’t think about it,” Mingi tells him.

“Hyung.”

“Just accept it and play the game.”

“Huh?”

Oh shit, the game has started. Jongho immediately grabs his mouse and keypad and focuses on not getting his team killed while Mingi and Yunho seem to sit this one out, even if they keep their touch so close to his skin that he feels overheated and like his skin is too tight for his body.

When he looks over to Wooyoung twenty minutes later, after the game is done, Wooyoung is staring at him with an expression that Jongho cannot quite name.

* * *

  
  


He ends up dreaming about being sandwiched between Yunho and Mingi as they have sex - not with him, just with each other, and no he doesn’t know how that works either - and he wakes up with his dick hard in his pants, sweaty and out of breath. He’s half asleep as he grinds against his mattress, and yet he still thinks about Wooyoung’s eyes boring into him as he comes.

* * *

  
  


“Jongho-yah, do you have a girlfriend?” his mother asks him as he sits on the floor in front of the washing machine his parents own, trying to scrub dried cum out of his sheets. Why is he such a mess? He doesn’t know.

“I-” he splutters. “Eomma, you know I don’t. I would tell you about that!” Maybe. If he ever had a girlfriend he would tell her.

But then, maybe if he were normal, he wouldn’t have taken an hour long metro ride to Gowon-gu because the washing machine the goshiwon provides him with isn’t strong enough to clean his sheets. Maybe it’s also the cheap laundry detergent; not even the stuff he uses for his gym clothes is enough, so yes, he’s desperate. He owns one set of sheets, he doesn’t have enough money to buy new ones. So that’s why he had hoped to sneak into his parent’s apartment and use their machine on the highest temperature while his parents were at work.

Which- well- didn’t work out well.

Why does his mother have today off?

“Well if you do have a girlfriend I sure hope you don’t make a habit of not using protection.”

Jongho freezes. Turns around to her. 

She raises her chin and points defiantly at his sheets. “I may be old, Jongho-yah, but I’m not stupid. And I read articles on naver all the time, the ladies in my kimchi-making group share a lot of them. I know young people these days don’t want to get married right away anymore, before your own parents are too old to teach their grandchildren important things and you are all- what is the word- _hooking up_ , left and right!”

“Eomma!”

“Don’t yell at me,” she snaps at him. “You don’t show up for weeks because, _‘Eomma~, with corona, we should really be meeting as few people as possible and you’re getting older and you don’t want to infect halmeoni, right?’_ And I listened to you and didn’t demand answers, and now you come here to wash your nasty sheets and you’re doing it wrong!”

For a single moment Jongho considers coming out to his mother right there, just so that she can disown him and this whole conversation can be over. He is strong though and just grinds his teeth and ducks his head.

“I’m sorry, eomma, I’m obviously embarrassed about being a mess.”

“Well you should be,” she throws up her hands. “I didn’t suffer through two boys going through puberty for you not to ask me how to best get certain substances out of them.”

Oh. Jongho blinks. “Eomma, can you please take pity on me and wash my nasty sheets?”

She immediately smiles at him and pats his cheeks. “Of course, Jongho-yah.”

* * *

“So you really don’t have a girlfriend?” she asks ten minutes later as the sheets are in her washing machine after she did something weird to them that Jongho should have really paid better attention to.

He shakes his head as he dips a bit of kimchi pancake into sauce. He likes living on his own - well, mostly - because it’s closer to uni, but at least his mother always has food in the house. “I’m too busy for that.”

“Even Seonho has a girlfriend now,” she says as she ladles another batch of kimchi batter into the pan. “She’s taller than him, and has tattoos, so we’re hoping it’s only a temporary fancy, but they’ve been together for a couple of months now.”

Jongho knows, he saw what his little brother posted on Instagram. “She seems nice.”

“Hm, well- yeah. I guess,” his mother agrees. “I do hope he doesn’t intend to marry this girl.”

“He’s eighteen, eomma, I don’t think he thinks about marriage yet.”

“Hm.” 

Oh shit.

“I’m not either.”

“Of course not, you’re too busy dirtying your sheets with wicked Seoul girls.” 

Jongho does not remind his mother that she herself is from Seoul, nor does he correct her this time, because- he’s tired. So, so tired. He doesn’t know what to say to her or how to explain things to her without ruining his relationship with his family.

“But you don’t have to get married yet, Jjongie, sometimes getting married too soon isn’t good. A lot of my friends from school are getting divorced right now, the fate of this generation I assume.”

“Eomma,” he doesn’t know what to say to her.

“Can you imagine, my friend Seolbi, the one who used to come over with her husband and children all the time?” Jongho does not in fact remember but he nods along. “She left her husband for a woman.”

Jongho freezes, kimchi pancake in his mouth. Oh no. Oh no, such a wrong topic.

“A woman! What are they going to do now?” She scoffs, shaking her head and Jongho closes his eyes. He shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t. He knows better.

“Be happy, I assume?” 

“Oh, Jongho-yah, you’re young so you don’t know these things, but people like that, they’re all alone and sad. It is-” she shakes her head in pity and Jongho puts his chopsticks down, having lost his appetite. “It is such a lonely life that they live. They have no one.”

“Didn’t you say she left her husband for another woman?”

“Yes.”

“Are they still together?”

She nods. “Then they’re not alone, right?”

“Well,” she stocks. “But their families, they don’t have their families, you know. They don’t want anything to do with them.”

He can’t take it, he can’t. He doesn’t care. “Not to be disrespectful, eomma, but that sounds like something that’s their family's fault. They could still talk to them, accept them.”

He doesn’t expect the same. He would never force her to give up her views, he respects and loves her too much for that, but- some part of him hopes for something better for other people. “It’s not the life itself that is lonely, eomma, it’s lonely because the people you love don’t accept you.”

She looks at him. Stricken. Her hands shake. “Jjongie? Is there something you want to tell me?”

Absolutely not. He can’t. He can’t take it, but he also can’t do this. It feels as if there’s a black hole in his chest, swallowing him up.

“I-” he swallows. “I have a couple of hyungs, sunbaenims, who are um- they are- together.”

Relief floods over her face and Jongho does his best not to let it hurt him. 

“They are happy, really happy, but- the one thing hurting them is not- it’s not who they are, it’s everyone’s reaction.”

“You can’t expect a society to change overnight, though.”

“I’m not. They’re not, but I think receiving their parent’s support might be more important than society’s in that moment.”

She looks at him, the lines in her face grim and her mouth pressed together. Jongho knows she’s going to tell his father and they will have to have a conversation about disrespecting your parents soon, but- he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, he just can’t do this. She is allowed to believe what she wants to believe, but there are things that are simply not true.

“Do you want another pancake?” she asks in the end. A truce.

Jongho nods.

“You’re eating as if you’re starving and you look like you’ve lost weight.”

“I haven’t, I just- lived off protein powder for now.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Jongho-yah, why are we paying for you to study when you don’t follow the things you learn?”

Jongho swallows. “I just- I got a good deal?”

She snorts. “Tell me that it’s at least not that whey stuff.”

He pulls a face. “Of course not.” He knows whey is getting popular with some people, because it’s everywhere in the west, but he dislikes the taste and what is the point of taking a lactase pill just so he can drink it when he could just use rice, pea or soy protein like he has done for as long as he’s been taking supplements. 

Ridiculous.

“And of course you’re wearing your leg brace when you lift heavy weights right?”

Jongho, who has not been wearing his leg brace because he wants his leg muscles to develope enough that they can support his fucked up leg, nods.

“Of course, eomma.”

“Good boy,” she says and pats him on the head, and for a moment, Jongho feels as if everything okay.

* * *

**Kim Hongjoong-nim (uni)**

i had an interesting conversation with my mother today. she said that being queer means you’re alone and have a lonely life

obviously i disagreed with her and i told her about some friends i have

but i’m thinking isn’t she right?

i know i have you all but am i not more alone than i would be if i were straight?

(obviously i know that this is not the fault of being queer but societies i know i’m not making sense)

I guess it depends on how you see it. As a straight person you are more accepted by society, but queer people aren’t all alone you know. I guess you’re alone if you don’t know anyone who accepts you

yeah i know i just. i felt incredibly attacked because i felt incredibly alone for the longest time but was it about that? or not?

I don’t think there’s any shame in admitting that you as a queer person felt alone. You can feel alone for a number of reasons. You were alone because you felt like you had to hide from everyone, not because being queer made you be lonely

i guess

Are you alright though? She didn’t do anything?

what?

oh no i didn’t come out to her

i don’t wanna do that to her

it just came up

Alright, please take care of yourself

always noona

* * *

  
  


**8 makes 1 team**

**Kim Hongjoong-nim (uni)**

Can someone please tell me if this appropriate?

[ ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ElZlnRdUcAAOivr?format=jpg&name=large)

**Wooyoung-hyung**

approriate as in incredibly bland?

yes

where is your blue hair 

**Choi San-hyung**

i agree it’s not really your style looks very business casual

**Park Seonghwa-hyung**

business casual is exactly what we’re going for thank you

any special reason?

**Park Seonghwa-hyung**

my father is in town

**Jung Yunho-hyungnim**

oh fuck

do you guys need backup? mingi and i are at the other end of the city but we could come over

**Kim Hongjoong-nim (uni)**

No I just didn’t want him to think I’m an absolutely flamboyant queer trying to take his son’s previously straight virtue

i mean. noona

**Kang Yeosang-hyung (uni)**

i thought you were the virgin before you guys got together hyung

didn’t seonghwa-hyung have that boyfriend in his first year?

**Park Seonghwa-hyung**

thankfully my father is not aware of that

so we’re going with hongjoong being my first partner

**Kim Hongjoong-nim (uni)**

Unless he really starts ranting about me pulling you over to the dark side

Then you have the receipts ready

**Wooyoung-hyung**

sounds fun

* * *

  
  


“I don’t understand why Seonghwa-hyung is putting himself through all of that,” Wooyoung says as he lies on Jongho’s bed on his freshly washed sheets and Jongho sits on the other end. They’ve been watching YouTube videos for the past two hours and Jongho’s brain is kind of melting from that, but it’s been nice. And Wooyoung is far enough away that Jongho doesn’t feel weird about being on a bed with him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean why would you come out to your parents, it just- it’s meant to backfire.”

Oh doesn’t Jongho know that. “I guess, maybe he just wanted them to know and love all of him?” Isn’t that why he felt so guilty about not telling anyone in the end? Because do they really know who he is when they don’t know this part of him? And can they really claim to love him if they don’t know him?

“I guess,” Wooyoung says and props himself up on the bed. “Just seems like a lot of grief to put yourself through.”

“Hm.”

“Well, what do I know,” he rolls onto his front, closer to Jongho. Jongho suddenly becomes hyper aware of him. “Maybe I’m just jealous.”

“Why would you be jealous, hyung?”

“He’s in a relationship and his parents don’t fucking hate him, meanwhile I can’t find a guy who’s into my personality enough to stick around, and I’d rather throw myself off a building than have my parents know I’m gay,” he immediately adds. “Sorry, bad joke. I wouldn’t actually, you know- I just- yeah I’m jealous.”

“You’re gonna find someone who’s worthy of you, hyung,” Jongho says, even though the thought of Wooyoung settling down with someone makes his heart ache. He isn’t allowed to be angry or possessive. He never told Wooyoung after all, but the thought still hurts him.

Wooyoung snorts bitterly and drives his hand through his hair. “All of my friends are dating and you’ve been spending so much time with everyone else, you’re also leaving me,” he whines. 

Jongho laughs and turns towards him. “I’m not leaving you.” Wooyoung will be the one who leaves him, he knows that. And he’s okay with that.

“Not even for Yunho and Mingi? I’m seeing you hanging out with them. They can hug you!” Wooyoung complains. “Not even I’m allowed to hug you and here you are, letting them do that. No homo of course.”

Jongho laughs for a moment. Then the smile falls off his lips.

“Actually- I- um- I went on a date the other day, before we met up at the PC Bang.”

Wooyoung blinks. Something washes over his face but it’s gone as soon as Jongho notices it. 

“A date?” he asks, his voice higher than usual. “And I didn’t even have to set you up!” He laughs and it sounds incredibly weird. “Who was it with?”

Okay. Here he goes.

“Do you remember when we were at the gym together? When you talked with Jimin-sunbaenim?”

“Yeah. Oh! There were those two girls squatting, right?” Wooyoung claps his hands together, pulls his legs under him and leans into Jongho’s space. Jongho hopes he won’t be able to hear how fast his heart is beating. “Which one of them was it?”

“Actually- It was the guy I was talking to? Jeongguk-hyung, he’s a friend of Jimin-sunbaenim’s and-” he breaks off.

Wooyoung’s whole face has fallen. His mouth is open. His eyes are wide. “You went on a date with a guy?” he asks. “Why would you do that?”

“Um-” he’s sweating. Oh shit, he can’t do this. “I- I’m sorry for not telling you, I’ve just- I’ve been struggling a lot with it, Hongjoong-noona was the first person I told when I disappeared for those couple of days and…” he trails off.

Wooyoung pulls his hand away from him, skids back on the bed. A safe distance between them. Jongho feels sick to his stomach.

“You’re- what bisexual? Or questioning, or-”

“Gay. Always been. Since I was thirteen.”

Wooyoung is utterly silent.

Jongho pulls his legs closer, wraps his arms around him. He watches, as Wooyoung swallows, as he grinds his teeth together and drives his hands through his hair.

“Um- I- well I don’t know what to say, Jjongie!” That fake smile again. “Thank you for telling me I guess, but I gotta go now, I have an important appointment, see you.”

Jongho reaches out with one hand for Wooyoung and Wooyoung recoils, flinches, and makes sure to get as far out of Jongho’s reach as possible. 

He’s out of the door as soon as he can.

And Jongho sits there. He grinds his teeth together to stop the tears falling from his face and takes a shuddering breath.

Wooyoung- it’s not about him not reacting that well; he can’t expect that from everyone, that wouldn’t be fair, but- Wooyoung flinched. He didn’t want Jongho to touch him, he- he must have known that Jongho thinks disgusting things about him as soon as Jongho revealed he’s gay. Didn’t Hongjoong mention that Wooyoung talked to Yunho about this, about how he noticed the touching? 

Jongho takes a shuddering breath as the tears start falling, rolling down his cheeks as he sobs and regrets ever opening his mouth.

* * *

**8 makes 1 team**

**Kim Hongjoong-nim (uni)**

So Seonghwa’s father absolutely hates me hope all your days are going better

Can’t believe I dyed my hair dark for this

* * *

Jongho is proud of himself when he doesn’t fall into a dark hole again, when he just goes a bit quiet with the others and doesn’t reach out to Wooyoung much, because he gets it. Wooyoung is disgusted by him. Wooyoung must have known immediately that all the times when Jongho stared at him he was thinking about him that way, he was sexualizing him, and it doesn’t help that Yunho and Mingi wrap himself around him, it doesn’t help that Hongjoong angrily demands a hug when they next see each other, the only thing that matters is that Wooyoung knows, and- he doesn’t miss the looks both San and Yeosang give him.

He ruined everything.

Everything he ever had.

Yes, he’s aware he’s being a bit dramatic.

But what else is he supposed to do when Wooyoung sits himself at the other end of the booth, doesn’t even try to get him to sing a song with him, as he usually would when they go out for a noraebang. Wooyoung didn’t even say hello to him for more than a second when he got in.

Jongho tries to not let it get to him. It’s not the end of the world. Really, it isn’t. He’ll get better at it, he tries to tell himself. If he really practices like Yunho and Mingi have told him then he won’t have such a severe reaction anymore, he can just- be Wooyoung’s friend again. Yes, that’s what he’ll do.

He takes a deep breath and tries to ground himself, catches Mingi’s eyes and Mingi gives him a questioning look. Jongho shuffles closer, doesn’t know how to ask for it. It’s not- He’s not craving touch right now, he doesn’t think he needs a hug, isn’t starved right now, but- he thinks it might be nice. To be touched right now.

Mingi seems to get with the program real quick and throws an arm around Jongho’s shoulder, settling it heavy and warm over him, and Jongho didn’t expect this, wasn’t going for a long lasting kind of thing, but- he finds that he quite likes it. For now. While no one is watching him. And no one can see how much his cheeks and neck are burning.

Across from them, Yunho is getting up and winks at Mingi, going for the microphone and choosing his own song. It quickly becomes obvious why, because he chooses For you and everyone starts hollering. When Jongho turns his face, Mingi is bright red as Yunho starts singing, staring at him the entire time.

It should be awkward, it should be the worst thing in the world, it should be- Jongho doesn’t know what he should feel in response, but looking at Mingi, who’s eyes are wide, mouth open, he can’t find it anything but- nice. 

Seeing his friends so in love, being so happy.

He turns his head, sees Hongjoong and Seonghwa tangled up with each other, sees that San has a leg thrown over Yeosang’s thigh and- Wooyoung is staring right at him. There’s something in his eyes that Jongho can’t quite decipher, but it looks- nasty. 

And then he notices Jongho looking and Wooyoung turns his head away, leaning in to San and Yeosang. He looks- not angry, not sad, but- unhappy. As if something is weighing on his mind, and Jongho doesn’t know how to fix it. Doesn’t know if he can. Or if Wooyoung would want him to.

Most likely, he’d reject it, knowing that Jongho is into guys now, knowing that Jongho must think weirdly about him. There’s really no other explanation for this.

So Jongho looks away just as Yunho finishes his song and he skids a bit to the side as Yunho walks towards them, pulling Mingi half up from his seat. He doesn’t know what happens next, because he looks away, but he hears the kissing, hears the tiny squeak that escapes one of them.

“Aish, control yourselves, you’re scaring the baby,” Seonghwa scolds the two of them and Jongho’s cheeks burn even harder than before.

“It’s no-”

“Fine, fine,” Yunho says and laughs, and Mingi settles back onto his seat. He didn’t pull Jongho anywhere, because Jongho is an immovable object when he wants to be, but Mingi’s arm comes back to rest around him and Jongho does his best to breathe through it. It’s- getting a bit much.

He squirms.

Mingi turns around and looks at him, raises his eyebrows, and Jongho isn’t sure if he can take it longer without- well- embarrassing himself even more than before.

“Who wants to go next?” Yeosang asks around and for a moment it’s quiet. Jongho already did his turn, nearly running out of breath as he tried his best to sing along to Tears. His throat is a bit scratchy, because he doesn’t sing often enough for it to be easy for him.

“Wooyoungie, something slutty for you?” San says and Jongho thinks he couldn’t handle that, couldn’t handle Wooyoung doing something that will make Jongho think those disgusting thoughts that make him so uncomfortable.

“Nah,” Wooyoung declines. “Not in the mood.”

“That’s a first,” Seonghwa says, and everyone giggles, leaning in to get Wooyoung to change his mind.

“Come on, you know you’re craving some sweet moans and hip thrusts,” Mingi says and San hoots.

“I’m not in the mood,” Wooyoung snaps and it gets really quiet. “Maybe I wanna do a love song too, why do I have to do the slutty songs, huh?”

“No one is saying you can’t do a love song, Wooyoungie,” Seonghwa says slowly and everyone hums. “I just think last time someone recommended one to you, you said you’d rather dry-hump Park Jinyoung than sing about love.”

From his place in the booth, it’s hard, but Jongho sees Wooyoung’s head go bright red. Yeosang leans in towards him and he shakes his head.

“Sorry, I’m- I didn’t mean to- I know you’re not calling me a slut, but just- not today, okay?”

“Okay,” Hongjoong reassures him. “You don’t have to do it, I can go next, is there a song about hating your father in law?”

“Hong-ah,” Seonghwa scolds him. “He doesn’t hate you.”

Hongjoong just snorts, before they get up. “I’ll browse the collection and see if there’s anything that fits.”

After they get up, Jongho leans forward, happy that he doesn’t have to feel bad about Wooyoung just expressing his sexuality. “What happened, hyung?”

Seonghwa sighs. “Nothing that bad,” he says and Hongjoong snorts. “My father was quite positive about them, but- well- then he got into the future and financial stability, and apparently a fashion designer isn’t appropriate for me, considering I’m already not going to make that much money.”

“Could be worse career choices.”

“Don’t forget that I made you gay,” Hongjoong, seemingly giving up in their search of an inappropriate song. “That was my favourite.”

Seonghwa just gives them a long suffering smile. “I did try to tell him that I had other partners before, but apparently the fact that I felt ‘the need to burden them with this knowledge’ is enough to consider Hongjoong the root of all problems.”

Wooyoung laughs. “I mean being the root of all problems does sound fucking funny. The power you hold, noona.”

“You know it, turning guys gay, that’s what I do. With my magical not further defined genitalia.”

Everyone starts laughing, and for a moment the atmosphere is calm and relaxed and there’s nothing bad hanging over them. Jongho doesn’t even feel bad about himself for a moment. And then Mingi breathes onto Jongho’s neck as he leans to the side and laughs hard, and a shudder goes through Jongho. 

He flinches and Mingi immediately lets him go, still laughing.

As he wills the tight coil of arousal in his body down, Jongho clenches his teeth, looking around his friends to figure out if anyone noticed, but they’re all teasing Hongjoong and Seonghwa, saying nonsense but- Wooyoung is looking at him. 

His lips pressed together.

And he’s not happy.

* * *

**Choi San-hyung**

hi jjongie!

hello hyung

how are you?

oh fine doing some reading trying out new recipes with the four kg of protein powder i now own

living the life i see

anyway

i don’t mean to stick my nose into things it doesn’t belong to but do you know what’s wrong with wooyoungie?

what do you mean?

he’s so sad and he doesn’t wanna say why

he doesn’t even want to tell yeosang. just said he’s sad and an idiot and also an asshole? but he didn’t say why

ah no :(

why would you think i know why?

i mean you’re like super close always hanging out and stuff

i thought if he doesn’t want to tell yeosang he might tell you

also not to call you out but you didn’t deny it

i’ll see if i can figure it out so he can tell yeosang-hyung!

* * *

“So what do I do?” Jongho asks, in-between burpees, his lungs burning. 

They’re on the last set - Instructor Lee Hoseok chose a 40 - 30 - 20 - 10 declining workout for them, and after this they only have ten more kettlebell swings and ten more dumbbell thrusters ahead of them - and he’s absolutely dying, can barely breathe, but he still managed to tell Jeongguk the whole story.

Jeongguk stares at him. He’s heaving, holding up his hands as he does another squat and jumps back, then forth and then back up. They’re both absolutely drenched and dripping sweat onto the floor.

“I- I think-” Jeongguk breaks off. Jongho doesn’t see his face, because he’s too busy doing burpee number seven. “I mean- I think his reaction was- a bit- over dramatic- and- how do you- know- why?”

“Why?” Jongho asks, but it comes out wheezing. “What do you mean why?” The last _why_ comes more out like a whine.

“You’re saying he- knew how to- that you feel like this- but how do you know that?”

Oh. Interesting. If Jongho wasn't dying right now, he’d be able to think about it.

“Excuse me,” a voice says next to them. Instructor Lee Hoseok stands next to them. “If you can talk through your last set you’re not going hard enough.”

They both shut up and don’t talk for the rest of the workout.

* * *

They also don’t get to talk in the shower, because they’re not the only ones there, so Jeongguk thankfully offers to hang out with him afterwards. They go to a small cafe in Itaewon where Jongho knows they won’t be looked at badly if they talk about guys and talk about the workout on the way there.

When they’re settled at a table outside, both with something to drink and eat (after they down a protein shake) with them, Jongho picks the question up again.

“I just think hyung’s reaction doesn’t make any sense otherwise.”

“His reaction makes no sense in the first place, if you ask me.”

Jongho pouts. “Obviously, he knew more than he led on. He talked to Yunho-hyung about it!”

Jeongguk frowns. “But what did he say?”

Of course, Jongho doesn’t know. He didn’t ask Yunho yet, because he’s too ashamed of it all and he doesn’t want anyone of his friends to know that Wooyoung is as disgusted as he probably should be about him.

“I don’t know, but- obviously he must know I have these thoughts about him.”

Jeongguk hums, his nose scrunching up a bit. “Well- there is only one option, it seems.”

“And that is?”

“Talk to him.”

“No.”

Jeongguk nods. “Hm, tell him you don’t mean to make him uncomfortable-”

“But I’ll make him uncomfortable by talking to him at all!”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do!”

“Don’t talk back to your elders. Hyung knows best.”

Jongho pouts. Jeongguk does too.

And- he knows Jeongguk is right. Really. It’s one of the reasons why he hasn’t told Hongjoong, Yunho or Mingi yet. They would all tell him to approach the topic with communication. Because communication is important. But- he doesn’t want to make Wooyoung uncomfortable, and he also doesn’t want to confirm that Wooyoung really thinks he’s disgusting. 

He groans. Puts his head into his hands. “I think I liked it more when I was pretending to be straight.”

Jeongguk snorts and throws his head back in laughter, and Jongho can’t help but laugh too. “You don’t mean that.”

No- No he doesn’t.

But- sometimes he wishes back to that. So many things were easier. So many things he didn’t have to consider. He didn’t have to think about. But- as much as it makes him feel bad, he also feels- freer in some ways. Like he doesn’t have to be ashamed.

It lasts about as long as he doesn’t look up over Jeongguk’s shoulder, because when he does he looks right into Wooyoung’s eyes.

He’s not alone. Yeonjun is with him, and for a moment Jongho hopes that they won’t approach, but then Jeongguk turns around and he lets out a surprised noise.

“Yeonjun-ah!”

“Hyung,” Yeonjun replies, and they approach. “I didn’t think I’d see you here.”

Jeongguk shrugs. “Didn’t think I’d see you here.” He looks at Wooyoung. “You’re Jung Wooyoung-ssi, right?”

Wooyoung indicates a bow. “Yes, hello-”

“Jeon Jeongguk, you can call me hyung.”

“Thank you, hyungnim.”

“Hello, hyung,” Jongho says, and Wooyoung doesn’t look at him when he nods at Jongho. 

“Hi.”

Oh. Okay. That doesn’t hurt.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” Yeonjun asks and Jeongguk shrugs, shares a look with Jongho.

“Oh nothing much, we just got killed at a workout and now we’re hanging out.”

Jongho looks at Wooyoung as Jeongguk starts retelling their workout, and Wooyoung just looks away. To the ground. Seems so- unhappy. His fists are clenched, his lips pursed, and he doesn’t even look at Jongho.

“Hyung,” Jongho starts, and Wooyoung clears his throat.

“We have an appointment to keep, we should go.”

“Uh,” Yeonjun looks confused at him. “What?”

“We need to go, okay, we don’t want to disturb them.” He pulls on Yeonjun’s arm and Jongho grips the table as hard as he can. “It was nice meeting you, hyungnim.”

And then he drags Yeonjun away. Jongho looks after him and doesn’t know how to feel.

When he looks back at Jeongguk, Jeongguk’s eyes are wide.

“What the fuck just happened?”

Jongho shrugs.

He doesn’t know.

* * *

**Wooyoung-hyung**   
  


~~hyung i’m sorry~~

~~san-hyung is worried about you~~

~~i’m sorry for being a mess hyung, i promise i’m working on it~~

hyung, can we please talk?

sure

* * *

  
  


“So, what did you want to talk about?” Wooyoung asks him when he’s standing in kitchen area of Seonghwa’s and Hongjoong’s apartment again. Behind them the others are talking and Jongho is not prepared for this. Not at all.

“Now?” he squeaks, and Wooyoung shrugs. He looks- so tired. His jaw is clenched and it’s obvious he doesn’t want to speak to Jongho. It really is. Why he chose to do so when their friends are in earshot, Jongho doesn’t know. Maybe he wants them to know, maybe he wants backup, maybe- maybe he doesn’t want to be alone with Jongho.

He can’t fault Wooyoung for that, can he?

“Um,” he looks to the others again. Hovers a bit uncertainly. “I guess- I just- I wanted to apologise to you,” he whispers and hopes the others don’t hear him. He won’t be able to handle that humiliation.

Wooyoung frowns. He leans against the counter of the kitchen, arms crossed in front of his chest and head lowered. It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t want to speak to Jongho, so why he’s forcing himself to do it Jongho doesn’t know. He would have accepted a no. He just hopes Wooyoung knows that.

“Why would you want to apologise?” Wooyoung asks.

“Well- I made you uncomfortable, and I-”

“What makes you think that? I didn’t say I was uncomfortable.”

Jongho reaches out with one hand. Wooyoung leans back.

For a moment, their eyes cross and Jongho gives him a ‘that’s what I’m talking about’ look. It seems to make Wooyoung only angrier.

“Listen,” he reaches up with one hand and drives it through his hair. “Jongho-yah, I’m not uncomfortable, I just have things on my mind okay.”

“Hyung, it feels like they’re my fault, though, so-”

“My whole life doesn’t revolve around you, okay?!”

It gets incredibly silent all of sudden. Jongho doesn’t have to look to the side to know that everyone is looking at them. At him.

Wooyoung swallows. “I just- I’ll handle whatever my irrational problem is, okay, and afterwards everything will be fucking peachy and-” he sighs. His jaw clenches. Jongho wants to reach out to him, to hug him, to make him feel better but- isn’t that the core of the problem.

“You don’t have to handle it alone, hyung,” Jongho says and Wooyoung looks at him. “I can help you. And I do feel like it’s my fault, I’m sorry-”

“Stop.”

Jongho shuts his mouth.

“Just- listen. Again, I’m not mad at you, you are not the problem, I am-” he laughs. “You just keep on I don’t know, going on fucking dates-” Wait what? “And I will handle my ridiculous emotions and they don’t concern you.”

But Jongho wants them to concern him. He wants to help. Wooyoung never shut him out like this. Of course there are things he only talks to Yeosang about, because Yeosang is his best friend, but- even then, they always talked about important things and even though Jongho is younger Wooyoung has always confided in him.

“I want to help, I’m here for you, hyung.”

“Can’t you just let it go? How many times do I have to ask before you get it, for fucks sake?”

Jongho shuts up. He’s not a crier, not usually, not when it’s a fight but- that was scathing. The way Wooyoung snapped at him. 

“Wooyoung-ah!” Yeosang says from the living area, and while Wooyoung’s head snaps around to look at their audience Jongho quickly wipes his sleeve over his face. He’s fine, he’s really fine.

He takes a step back. Bites his lips. Nods.

“Okay. Sorry. I’m not going to bother you about it, again.”

“Jjongie,” Wooyoung sighs. “Fuck, just give me some time, okay?”

He just nods. Doesn’t really know what exactly he’s supposed to be giving him time for. If Wooyoung isn’t uncomfortable with him, or if he’s just pretending he’s not and he’s not saying what the problem is, then Jongho has to accept that.

“Shit,” Wooyoung curses. “I’m just gonna, I’m gonna leave okay.”

Jongho doesn’t acknowledge him as he packs up his stuff and leaves, as the others call after him, as Yeosang and San run after him. Then he’s left alone with the rest of his friends, who have just seen his utter humiliation.

There’s a hand on his face. Hongjoong.

“What’s wrong, what happened?”

He shakes his head. Doesn’t want to talk about it. Two arms wrap around him and Mingi presses himself against his back.

“Did you have a fight?”

He shrugs. Doesn’t know. His lungs fill with air and then he lets it go. Once, twice, thrice, until he feels like he has calmed down enough.

“I told him- about- about going on a date with-” he hesitates. Everyone is looking at him, but honestly? Does he care at this point? The only one among them who doesn’t know is Seonghwa and he doesn’t think the rest of them would have a worse reaction than Wooyoung. “I went on a date with a guy from my gym and told him I’m- gay- and he just- he got so uncomfortable with me, he stopped talking to me and I don’t know why.”

For a moment, everything is silent.

“That’s- that sounds like an overreaction,” Yunho says and he hears an accompanying murmur from Seonghwa and Mingi, but Hongjoong- Hongjoong looks different. Their mouth is pulled in a tight line and they look- like they understand what’s going on.

“He did say his feelings are irrational, if I heard it right,” Hongjoong says slowly.

“Well, he still shouldn’t shame Jongho for going on a date with someone,” Mingi adds in. “That’s just- man, that sucks.”

“I don’t think it was about the date,” he says. “I think it’s about- you know- he must know-”

It’s Seonghwa who answers. “As someone who has no idea what you’re talking about, it sounded a lot like he got mad about the date.”

“Why-”

The door opens.

Yeosang and San storm back in, both of their mouths pulled down. They don’t look happy.

“He went home,” Yeosang explains.

“Do any of you know what he’s even mad about, because he didn’t want to say.”

For a moment, Jongho is quiet. No one else is saying anything and Jongho is thankful and mad at the same time. He takes a deep breath.

“I went on a date with a boy and I told him, and that I’m gay and- I don’t know. I thought he was mad because he could tell I was-” he breaks off, “-thinking sexual things about him,” he adds and feels incredibly small.

“Wait-” San exclaims. “What. You’re- and you went-” He groans.

When Jongho looks at the two of them, Yeosang looks as done as one person can be. He blinks. Shares a look with San. 

“I’m gonna have to make a phone call, one second.” He marches right out of the door again and San just sighs.

“He’s an idiot. Wooyoung, not Yeosang.”

“He’s not an idiot, hyung.”

“No, believe me, he is.”

Jongho doesn’t understand. Neither do any of the others, it seems, because everyone looks kind of confused, standing in the middle of the apartment. At least Jongho just feels confused and tired and not like crying anymore. That’s better at least. 

And he told the others he’s gay and nothing exploded. Neither the apartment, nor the universe, nor Jongho himself. That’s- great right?

“So what’s he like?” Seonghwa asks. “The guy you went on a date with?”

Jongho shrugs. “He’s um- his name is Jeon Jeongguk and he’s a 97er-”

“Jongho!”

“That’s too old!”

He snorts. “Believe me, he had a right freak-out, but- we just went on a date and realised we weren’t compatible, and we still hang out at the gym sometimes and meet up, but we’re not- seeing each other. It’s just- nice.”

“Wait, so you’re not dating,” San asks. “You just went on a date with the guy once?”

He nods. “Yeah. We got coffee the other day because I told him about Wooyoung-hyung’s reaction, and met hyung and Yeonjun-hyung-”

“You met Wooyoung while you were with that guy?”

He nods. 

San huffs. The door opens again and Yeosang comes back in.

“He met Jongho while he was with-”

“I know, while he was on a date.”

“It wasn’t a- Oh my god.”

“Yeah.”

They look at each other. Jongho does not understand what’s going on. Like-not at all. They look at each other with so much understanding, as if there’s something obvious that Jongho doesn’t see, and then Seonghwa makes a loud exclamation and they both nod at him, and Jongho is even more confused.

“Is that about-” Yunho trails off. They look at him and nod as well.

What are they talking about?

“Hyungs,” he whines, and Mingi rubs his back. “If you know what I did to make hyung mad, please tell me.”

“I also want to know,” Mingi whines against his back.

“I’ll tell you when you’re grown up,” Yunho reassures him.

Hongjoong looks as confused as Jongho feels.

“Jongho-yah,” Yeosang says. “I don’t think it’s fair to tell you, because this is a secret of Wooyoung‘s. He didn’t tell me about your sexuality either, because he knows some things are meant to be private.”

That makes sense. Damn Yeosang for being so logical.

“But-”

Oh?

“I think Wooyoung really needs for someone to go to him and explain to him you weren’t on a date. He’s- um- how do I say this. Having some irrational feelings about it.”

“So-” he bites his lips. “He’s not mad because I’m- because- I mean-”

Yeosang raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t look like he’s expecting Jongho to come out with his words immediately. He can think about it. How to say it.

“I don’t think he could ever be mad you find him attractive,” San says helpfully, but that’s not what Jongho wants to say, what- what’s waiting at the back of his throat, needing to get out now that they all already know so much more than he ever thought they would.

“It’s- I- I mean-”

“He won’t be mad that you like him, Jjongie,” Hongjoong says, and there’s a smile on their face. “I don’t think he could be mad at you for that.”

He looks back at Yeosang. There’s surprise on his face, his eyebrows raised, his eyes wide and his mouth open. “You like him?”

Jongho shrugs. 

“Oh my god,” San says. “Oh my god, please I’m going to throw myself out of the window if you don’t go to him and tell him, I cannot handle any more of this.”

“I’m not going to tell him!” Jongho says. “It’s not- I don’t need him to like me back, I just- I don’t want him to feel like he has to just because we’re friends.”

“Listen-”

Yeosang puts a hand over San’s mouth. “At least go to him and tell him about your date, it might- alleviate his ‘dumbass ridiculous response that he doesn’t want to push on your poor little heart’.”

What?

“Oh!” Mingi exclaims, and Hongjoong closes their eyes. “Oh no.”

“Stop saying things without explaining them!”

But he knows they won’t tell him. He knows he’ll have to speak to Wooyoung personally.

And isn’t that absolutely great.

* * *

So. That’s why Jongho finds himself in front of Wooyoung’s apartment complex an hour later, after cleaning himself up and making himself presentable - and ignoring any well-meant advice from the others which would have only ended up making him more nervous.

He slips into the building while someone else is going out and climbs up to the fifth floor, knowing that Wooyoung would probably not let him in. The thought is terrifying, that Wooyoung maybe doesn't want to see him and that he's here right now in spite of that, doing something he's not supposed to do, that isn't wanted.

But- the others said he needs to talk to Wooyoung and he does. It's true. He knows that. It's just that talking to him is so incredibly terrifying, and Jongho- Jongho doesn't know how.

He stands in front of Wooyoung's door for what must be five minutes, before he takes a deep breath and presses the doorbell next to the lock.

For a moment, nothing happens. He wonders, if Wooyoung went somewhere else, if he maybe- went to someone else, but then he hears steps and the door opens and- Jongho pulls a Hongjoong and puts his foot in-between the door and the doorframe to stop Wooyoung from closing it. Which he does attempt immediately.

Wooyoung looks- not angry, not mad, but maybe a little sad? Tired? Exhausted?

"Jongho," Wooyoung says and okay, he does not only sound tired, but also very unhappy. "Listen- I already-"

"You didn't-"

"Don't interrupt me," Wooyoung snaps and Jongho shakes his head. How can he not, when he has to get Wooyoung to understand? "I need time to work through my emotions and I'll be there for you when I'm done with it, okay?"

"No," Jongho says. "Yeosang-hyung and San-hyung said I should tell-"

Wooyoung goes ash-white. He looks around, then opens the door and pulls Jongho in by the lapels of his button down, before closing the door. Oh, smart, they probably shouldn't have this conversation outside.

"What did they tell you?" Wooyoung snaps and Jongho frowns. Wooyoung sounds- maybe not scared, but- not as if he's super happy that Yeosang and San talked to him. "Why are they sticking their noses where they don’t belong all the fucking time?"

"They said-" he starts up again, hovering right behind the door as Wooyoung puts a bit of distance between them. "They said I should tell you that you didn't interrupt me on a date."

"What."

"I mean- It wasn't a date, where you- when you and Yeonjun-hyung saw us."

"How was not a date, you went on a date before?"

He shrugs. "We went on one date, and- realised it wasn't really working, and basically talked about Jeongguk-hyung's own hyungs who he's in love with and I mean- I- kind of did the same." Shit, he hopes Wooyoung didn't notice his slip up.

Wooyoung blinks. Takes a step to the side, looks at him. "Okay, so you didn't go on a date again."

"Yeah."

"Okay," he sighs. "Well, that's uh- great. Or not- sorry if you were into him."

"I'm not."

"Great."

They're quiet for a moment. Jongho bites his lip. "Do you feel better now, hyung?"

Wooyoung looks to the ground. Shrugs.

"I'm sorry- I know you're sensitive about everyone else being in a relationship, I didn't mean to make you feel like you're alone."

A snort. Wooyoung drives his hands through his hair and Jongho doesn't know why he still looks so sad.

"I'm not- I-" He sighs. "Listen- You can go on dates. I don't own you, and just because I'm an idiot who's- well, being an idiot- doesn't mean you can’t go out there and date all the guys you want."

Jongho doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to go on dates. But he doesn't know how to tell Wooyoung this, without- without _telling_ him.

"I just- I don't know, I'm- I'm an idiot. I'm sorry for reacting so weirdly and being uncomfortable, because- you were right, I was. It's- it's different, now that you're- now that I know you're gay."

"How?"

Wooyoung throws his hands up. Moves a bit into his one room, and Jongho slips out of his sneakers and follows him.

"It's just- I feel horrible, because when you were straight it was all fun and games, you know?" He closes his eyes. "When I thought you were straight, sorry."

"What do you mean?" He really doesn't understand what's going on.

"Well- I know you don't like being touched. And- I don't know, it was always different forcing you out of your comfort zone when you were a het in my eyes, who wasn't interested in guys the first place, to knowing you're gay, when- when you should feel safe and comfortable around the kind of people who you're into."

Jongho blushes.

"Wait, I mean- into as in I'm a guy and you're into guys, not as in you're attracted to me. Just- the gender, you know."

He nods. Doesn't know what to say.

"So- I noticed how uncomfortable I made you sometimes, like touching you, ogling you when you were naked, I even spoke to Yunho about it, how creepy it makes me. But knowing that made me feel horrible, like- I- first I force my skinship onto you and then I get pissed at you for going on a date that isn't- It's just- I'm an ass, okay?"

"I don't think you're an ass," he says. "Well, maybe a bit."

Wooyoung rolls his eyes at him. "You don't have to correct me today, I am owning up to everything. Or- maybe nearly everything."

That's good. Owning up to things. If Wooyoung does it, Jongho should do it too, right? He shouldn't just let Wooyoung do all of this without giving something back.

"I- uh- it's not that I don't like being touched," he admits. Here goes nothing. "It's just that- um- I like it a lot actually?"

Wooyoung frowns. "Huh? In what way?"

"I mean- I get- kind of like- Yunho-hyung said because I'm not used to guys touching me I get very overwhelmed by it so I- sometimes- I get too excited. Like-" He motions with his hands.

Wooyoung tilts his head. "Like, sexually?"

"Yeah! And- um- so- it's always been pretty strong with you because you're you, you know? But- I mean- I never felt- I liked being touched by you, I just felt so bad because of how into it I was."

"I mean you're allowed to think I'm attractive or jerk off to me, Jjongie."

He nods. "I know. Technically. I feel pretty bad about it, but- I'm getting better at it. Mingi-hyung, Yunho-hyung and Hongjoong-noona have been helping me with it."

"Oh."

"Yeah it's- um- It got really bad after that time where everyone tackled Yeosang-hyung, and I was at the bottom and your head was-"

"On your dick, yeah I- I felt pretty bad about that, making a 'straight' guy get hard."

Jongho's whole face grows bright red. "You- noticed?"

Wooyoung nods. "Sorry. It was- um- poking me in the neck."

That's- incredibly absurd. He laughs. So does Wooyoung, and it feels like some of the tension bleeds out of them. This- this isn't so hard. They can be friends, right?

"I'm still sorry, for acting like a jealous dick, it's not- That's not who I want to be, you know?"

"Maybe- I mean if you want a relationship, I could play your wingman?" The thought would kill him but- Wooyoung doesn't hate him. He doesn't think Jongho is creepy. He doesn't think that there's anything wrong with him. And he's still Jongho's friend. He deserves to get everything he wants in life. "You're great, hyung, there are so many guys who would kill to be with you."

Wooyoung looks down. "It's fine, it- it's not about being in a relationship. It's- well- I guess I'm just- you know."

Jongho does not in fact know. "You're awesome," he says. "You're kind and loyal and amazing, and it's not just about your looks. You're smart and funny and-"

"Stop- please, stop." Wooyoung raises his hand. "I know- I know you're just trying to help, but this is not the thing I can hear from you, okay? I don't- I'm really trying my best and it's not easy, and you don't owe me anything, okay, Jjongie, but- I can't hear this."

He- Jongho frowns. He doesn't understand. Why can't Wooyoung hear this from him? Does he- does he know Jongho has feelings for him? Does he make Wooyoung uncomfortable in the end?

"I just mean that any guy would be lucky to have you, me included." He regrets the words as soon as they're out of his mouth, when Wooyoung's whole face clenches.

"Don't say that."

"I just-"

"I get you're trying to cheer me up, but please don't say things you don't mean."

"I mean it, any-"

"Jongho," Wooyoung exclaims, and then he sighs. "Listen- I- I feel like we're talking in circles, so- I got jealous yes, because- I don't know, maybe I'm a coward, but I know I shouldn't be jealous of any guys you date, just because- well- anyway- but- you saying you'd date me is really not helping me with getting over my dumb irrational feelings."

Jongho blinks.

Breathes.

Somewhere deep inside of him a glimmer of hope stirs.

Well, it's more than a glimmer.

He feels like Seonghwa earlier, letting out a noise after understanding something.

Does-

Is-

Wooyoung?

Wooyoung looks so pained. As if he really didn't mean to say any of this. As if he said too much.

"Hyung," Jongho says, and Wooyoung wraps his arms around him. Jongho has no idea what to do, how to say anything. What if he's wrong? What if- what if he's reading too much into this? "Um- I mean- I- When I said me included, I wasn't being hypothetical. I- just- I, we're friends, and you don't owe me anything, so I don't expect anything, but- I mean-" he shrugs. Doesn't know what to say.

Wooyoung stares at him.

Blinks.

And stares.

Jongho bites his lips. "I mean- I actually talked about you the whole time when I was on that date with Jeongguk-hyung? Because he was talking about the hyungs he's in love with and- I mean- kinda on topic?"

He laughs.

Wooyoung lets out a noise.

Takes a step back. "Are you- did you just-"

"Yes?"

Another noise. Kind of like a- scream. A squeak? Jongho isn't sure but he doesn't think he's ever heard Wooyoung make it before.

"You- you like me?"

Jongho nods.

"Like- as in- I need you to be crystal clear."

Jongho feels his face burn.

"You could be crystal clear too, hyung."

"Don't talk back, wait- no- shouldn't I tell you it's okay, because implying I have control over your-"

Jongho laughs as Wooyoung rumbles on, and his heart beats so fast, he- he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to handle this, how to speak with Wooyoung now, what to say because- is this happening?

"I like you, hyung, as in I would love to date you."

Wooyoung stares at him. Blinks. Turns around.

"You know this is very anticlimactic."

"Um."

"I kind of- like I resigned myself to being the creepy gay who stared at his straight buddies’ body and was way too clingy, and then I resigned myself to being that bitter guy who missed his chance, and now you want to go on a date with me?!"

"Yes?"

"Damn."

A couple of days (maybe even hours) ago Jongho would’ve been sweating and scared. But- now he just has to laugh, because this is- it's just Wooyoung being Wooyoung. It's what he loves about him.

"Hyung?"

"What?" Wooyoung yells, apparently still working through his small breakdown.

"You haven't given me an answer."

Wooyoung blinks. Opens his mouth.

And Jongho, because he suddenly feels lighter than he has in years, feels his lips tug into a grin. "If you're not interested, I could ask Mingi-hyung and Yunho-hyung, they might-"

"No, no take backs!" Wooyoung says. "I mean, of course you're allowed to change your mind, but- no- I will absolutely date the ever-loving shit out of you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

And then they stand in front of each other, not saying anything, and Jongho holds it for about as long as Wooyoung, before they both totally lose it and keel over, and Jongho laughs so hard he gets actual cramps in his side.

* * *

Later, after a couple of more awkward conversations, and Wooyoung avoiding calls from Yeosang for five minutes until he gives up and just talks to his best friend while Jongho shoots off a couple of texts, they're sitting on the sofa bed that takes up the most of Wooyoung's one bedroom apartment.

"I don't think- I feel pretty bad about it occasionally," he admits and Wooyoung nods. They're next to each, turned towards each other and Jongho- Jongho is staring at Wooyoung's hand wrapped around his. "Everyone keeps saying how- how it's not bad to have these thoughts, but whenever I- whenever someone knows that I have them I'm still expecting a lot of pushback?"

Wooyoung nods. He's skidding closer, putting his knee on Jongho's. Jongho flinches.

"So- I don't mean that I don't like touching you, or that you shouldn't, just- don't be surprised if I- do this- or- If I need to leave sometimes."

"I won't, don't worry," Wooyoung smiles. His face is so close. Jongho's eyes drop down to his lips. He swallows.

He just- he _wants_ so much. But he doesn't know if this is the right time. _Is_ there a right time? How does one determine it, in the end?

"You want me to kiss you?" Wooyoung asks and Jongho shrugs.

"I've never- um-" His cheeks heat. He's not ashamed. He knows that queer people often miss out on a lot of things that are pretty normal for straight people at a young age, that they might always be a couple of years behind because they don't get that many opportunities. He knows Wooyoung has some experience. Has had a couple of boyfriends before. It doesn't make him feel bad, but- he's still a bit scared.

"It's fine, we don't have to-"

"No, I- I want to- I just- I'm sorry if I'm bad at it."

"When have you ever been bad at anything in your life?" Wooyoung asks, and Jongho thinks _Huh, true_.

So he nods and lets Wooyoung lean in, lets him put a hand against his jaw and press his lips to Jongho's. Just for a second. He pulls back, looks into Jongho's eyes, then leans back in.

This time the kiss takes longer and Wooyoung tilts his head a bit, moving his lips against Jongho's. Jongho gasps and for a moment he feels a bit of tongue.

When Wooyoung pulls back this time, Jongho follows him. A finger gets placed on his lips.

"See? Not bad."

"Not bad?"

"Nope."

"Could still use more practice, right?"

"Always."

And this time when Wooyoung kisses him, Jongho is ready. Opens his mouth and lets Wooyoung teach him everything he knows.

He's not surprised when it takes less than a couple of minutes for his dick to announce its presence and Jongho fights down the shame, just groans as Wooyoung giggles against his mouth.

"I think I need- a strategic exit," Jongho pants, face bright red, and Wooyoung pulls back, a pout on his face.

"I mean I don’t mind, but you know where the bathroom is."

Jongho jumps up from the sofa bed and locks the bathroom door behind himself. The faster he can will his dick to go down the sooner he'll be able to face Wooyoung again and maybe make out some more. He doesn't think he has the mental function for anything else at this point. Maybe one day.

He checks his phone, slides notifications from his friends away and sees one from his brother.

**Seonho-yah**

hyyuuuuung

you need to come home

eomma is behaving weirdly she got into a fight with someone from her kimchi making group bc she wanted to talk about discrimination or something?

and she keeps showing me these youtube videos about gay people in korea?

does she think im gay?

i have a girlfriend!!

not that being gay is bad but its all we talk about now

please talk to her she started roping appa into it

Well- that sounds like a problem for future Jongho. He's got much more important things to do right now.

(He does end up sending his mother a link to Channel Gimcheolsoo though, and then throws his phone away before he can regret any of his decisions.)

#####  **Glossary**

The **Cheonggyecheon** stream is a river running through Seoul that is usually filled with activities for tourists and locals alike.

Every minute on the minute aka **EMOM** is a CrossFit approach where you try to get a set amount of repetitions during one minute for a set amount of minutes. For example, you could have three rounds of one minute of: burpees, kettlebll swings and dumbbell thrusters (with a set repetition number) and then you repeat the rounds until you hit 20 or 30 minutes or until you can’t get your repetitions done in the one minute.

 **Faker** is a professional e-sports athletes competing in League of Legends tournaments. There’s some consideration to change up military enlistment for him because he’s the most successful player in the world. (Similar to how there’s discussion of making BTS exempt from military service because of their impact.)

 **Channel Gimcheolsoo** is a youtube channel by Kim Cheol-soo and his boyfriend Son Jang-ho. Started in 2016 Channel Gimcheolsoo provides a safe space for queer Asians and talks about love and life, as well as coming out and living in conservative communities.

A **goshiwon** is a fully furnished room with a fixed utilities bill that is super cheap. Often referred to as off-dormitory housing, tenants of a goshiwon will share a kitchen and a bathroom with the people on their floor, which is where Jongho lives. In comparison, Seonghwa and Hongjoong live in a studio apartment, which is tiny and more expensive, requires a deposit and a contract and does not have a fixed electricity bill. Wooyoung’s one bedroom apartment is similar to Seonghwa’s and Hongjoong’s studio apartment, just smaller.

 **Kim Jho Kwang-soo** is a south korean director, scriptwriter and producer, who ‘married’ his long-term partner David Kim Seung-hwan in 2013 in a non-official ceremony in Seoul.

There’s an ongoing tension between the Korean and Japanese government about the Japanese government apologising for the mass enslavement, -kidnapping and –raping of **Korean women** – also known as comfort women – during the second world war.

Reebok CrossFit **M.A.R.U** is a CrossFit gym in Jongno-gu, Seoul. I considered having Jongho go to CrossFit Limelight or CrossFit 4TP, but since they’re located in Seochu-gu and Gangnam-gu which are both richer areas (which explains why both gyms have a better reviews lol) they would be way out of Jongho’s way (he lives in Sinchon-dong which is a popular area for students to live in that also has a vibrant night life)

 **Whey** protein is a type of protein that is incredibly hard to get in korea because most of the country is lactose intolerant. You’ll usually have to pay incredibly high sums for it or import it from other countries.

A Workout of the Day also known as a **WOD** is a workout offered at a gym or by an instructor that you can follow. It could be an EMOM or it could be AMRAPs (As many repetitions as possible).

 **Worlds** , better known as the League of Legends World Championship 2020

**Author's Note:**

> find me at one of these to see me vague-tweet about all the angst i'm gonna force on you  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/theeverknowing)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/theeverknowing)


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